Cutting comment
THERE have been many unbreachable cultural divisions in history.
The centurions of the Roman Empire never did figure out what those hairy, gingerish folk from the northern part of the Britannic Isles were grunting about, so they sensibly built a wall to prevent them gatecrashing cocktail parties.
The greatest gulf separating two communities must surely be that between the natives of Edinburgh and Glasgow.
David Inglis, who is originally from Edinburgh, was at the bakery counter of a Glasgow branch of Morrisons, waiting for a member of staff to arrive and slice up a loaf of his favourite bread.
After a few minutes a woman member of staff spotted David standing patiently and kindly offered to fetch one of the bakery team. She returned almost immediately.
“He's bashin' his scones,” she said.
David pretended to understand.
“Will that take long?” he inquired.
She glared up at him: “Ah telt ye! He's waashin' hiz hauns!”
David concluded that it was time to invest in an electric knife.
Talking balls
SPORTS fan Andrew Holmes gets in touch to point out: “Golf is the only activity where being sub-par is a good thing.”
Loud and unclear
RECALLING the geniuses he has met in the working world, Ian Noble from Carstairs Village reveals that he was involved in numerous office brain-storming sessions.
“We had one colleague,” says Ian, “who, when he was verbalising an idea, would say, ‘I’m only talking out loud here’.”
How this chap did any other type of talking, he never did explain.
Mouthing off
KINDLY reader Frank Russell took his mother to a swanky Glasgow restaurant to celebrate her landmark 85th birthday.
Mum was thrilled to find herself in such salubrious surroundings and started mulling over an aperitif.
Frank, who suddenly wasn’t quite so kindly, pointed at mum’s mouth and said: “Didn’t you put them in before coming out?”
Daddy naebucks
A DIARY tale about a disappointed heir reminds Hugh Cairns from Veitshöchheim in Germany of an announcement made by his father to Hugh and his three siblings: "If I leave you any money, I've miscounted."
Spaghetti regretti
QUIZ time.
Reader Eileen Higgins gets in touch with the following romantic puzzler.
Question: How do you eat spaghetti on a first date?
Answer: You don’t. (Not if you want a second date.)
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Rocky road
ANOTHER tale about that crazy little thing called love.
A downcast Bruce Johnson from Fife says: “Life is increasingly rough for me. Even my relationship with whisky is on the rocks.”
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