Blockbuster video

Our lower league clubs face a constant struggle to survive. Paltry attendances, little sponsorship revenue, no marketing income . . . the need for innovative new plans to boost revenues has never been more essential.

But to be honest, we're not sure Dumbarton and East Stirlingshire's latest wheezes are really the answer to all their problems.

Third division side Dumbarton have launched a fantasy football game on their website. Not a bad idea, except the only team you can pick players from is . . . Dumbarton.

The Shire are ready to cash in on their massive worldwide appeal (last year's average attendance: 307) by launching ShireTV.

The internet channel will be free on the club's website for the first month then cost £5 a month. There are supposed to be four weekly shows: post-game interviews on Saturday, highlights on Sunday and pre-game shows on Wednesday and Friday. As if that were not exciting enough, Shire also intend to include highlights of reserve games.

We logged on in fevered expectation on Saturday and Sunday but could find nary a mention of ShireTV on their website. Hopefully it's just technical difficulties. A blockbuster idea like this has to go ahead.



HANG THE DJ

 IRAQ'S victory in the Asian Cup final was a pleasing reaffirmation of the power of sport to unite divided communities, with Sunni and Shi'a putting their differences aside for a couple of weeks to support the team.

The ruler of Dubai whisked the team off in his luxury jet from Jakarta - where they beat Saudi Arabia 1-0 in the final - to the United Arab Emirates for a luxury celebration.

Confetti rained down as the players arrived at the airport, thousands of cheering fans welcoming the team.

Unfortunately, the Saddam-era Iraqi anthem was then played over the Tannoy instead of the country's new one, prompting some players to walk out in protest.

Meanwhile, the Saudi foreign minister Prince Saud al-Faisal, insisted his team's defeat was part of a diplomatic masterplan. During a press conference with visiting US secretary of state Condoleezza Rice he was asked about accusations that Saudi Arabia has failed to back US efforts for Iraqi stability.

He insisted they supported the Iraqi government, adding: "As an indication of our good intentions, we let them win."



Garlic and gridiron

 What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The French Army.

How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? Nobody knows, it's never been tried.

Yes, it's fair to say the Yanks really don't like the French, mainly because they had the temerity to protest against their illegal war for oil.

So it will be interesting to see how they react to having a frog-eating garlic-muncher in NFL, the sport that epitomises American values.

Philippe Gardent, the first European-born player to win the most valuable player award in NFL Europa, is currently training with the Carolina Panthers, hoping to make the grade.

The son of a ski instructor, he grew up on the slopes and became France's No.4-ranked junior skier in the downhill. Aged 17, he started playing American football in Grenoble, and has been a star for the last two seasons with Cologne Centurions.

"I think a lot of people don't even know what football means, what the rules are and how hard it is to be invited to training camp," Gardent said of his struggle to get acknowledged in France.

"I'm just trying to keep the dream going. I'm just trying to stay alive in this world."

A spokesman for the Panthers supporters' club was unavailabe for comment last night, but probably had something to say about cheese-eating surrender monkeys and freedom fries.



Understanding Ken

 London wants to host another stage of the Tour de France despite all the doping scandals."It is a unique event, there are people who break the rules in every profession," mayor Ken Livingstone said.

Such as, er, likening a Jewish reporter to a concentration camp guard?