What a year for Scottish sport. Chris Hoy wins triple Olympic gold, Andy Murray beats Nadal and Federer and documents released under the 30-year rule reveal Scotland's World Cup squad in 1978 "were provincials out of their depth in international waters" in Argentina. Fortunately, Herald readers will not have to wait 30 years for such startling revelations from 2009. Broadfoot's Sporting Almanac will confidently predict the winners and losers for the sporting year ahead, with all the accuracy and conviction of Chris Iwelumo from a yard out.

n February 2, 4.58pm. Transfer deadline day Rangers are on the verge of admitting defeat in their attempts to keep Madjid Bougherra but in a cunning move, superimpose Brahim Hemdani's face on his countryman's passport. Joe Kinnear won't know the difference, nor will the Toon Army. Not until it's too late, anyway. After some last-minute haggling, Hemd . . . Bougherra's new agent, Willie McKay, completes the £18m transfer. To "cushion the blow", Martin Bain secures David Weir on a new two-year contract with supplementary Sanatogen bonus incentive.

Across the city, Gordon Strachan rejects Newcastle's £3m bid for Aiden McGeady, calling it derisory, and asks Peter Lawwell to get Willie McKay on the phone right away. Birmingham City give up on Bobo Balde (again) after the defender demands to have his severance money paid in two-pence pieces. A confidentiality clause imposed on Celtic by Balde, now Dermot Desmond's right-hand man, prevents Lawwell from commenting on the latest disappointment.

In other news, Scott Harrison announces plans for a comeback fight.

n April 9-12. US Masters, Augusta Douglas Lowe dusts down his Hootie Johnson analogies and tests this season's peach cobbler as Tiger Woods plays his first major since recovering from serious knee injury. Woods, who declined a move to Rangers in January, is the only golfer afield capable of stopping a Paddy Slam, with Padraig Harrington racing into an eight-stroke lead at the turn in the final round. Tiger's caddy, Dr Richard Steadman, performs a Mr Miyagi ritual on the ailing golfer at the 10th tee and Woods wins by a stroke.

In other news, the British Boxing Board of Control reject Scott Harrison's appeal to have his licence reactivated.

n June 21. British Grand Prix, Silverstone "How do you beat last year's spanking excitement," ponders Max Mosley.

"I know," says Bernie Ecclestone, quite impressively for a man bound and gagged. "Let's get that Chris Hoy character a car and see how fast he really is. Hoy v Hamilton. Scotland v England. Personality of the Year against, er . . . It's TV gold."

Hoy is offered £25m and a state-of-the-art McLaren-Mercedes but opts instead for a bicycle made out of washing machine parts. Hamilton claims an unfair advantage, knowing full well Hoy would not be able to fit one of his quadriceps into an F1 cockpit. Hamilton takes pole position in practice but after a porridge pit stop, Hoy wins the British GP and is immediately asked out by the four available - and better-looking - Pussycat Dolls.

In other news, Scott Harrison calls the BBBofC a "shower of pure evil ********" after Frank Bruno is given a licence to relaunch his boxing career. As Frankie Dettori.

n September 13. US Open, Flushing Meadows Andy Murray, in his Herald online blog, describes himself as "psyched, man" at the prospect of winning his first grand slam. He adds that the draw has been "awesome" and, despite his patchy form, "it's all about the W". Predictably, he sees off the usual suspects - Nalbandian, Davydenko and Djokovic - and will meet Roger Federer in the final, after Rafael Nadal injured a biceps playing to the crowd in their short-lived semi.

Murray loads up Born in the USA and Sheena Easton's Greatest Hits on his iPod and wins in straight sets. He thanks Christopher Columbus, Barack Obama and Ronald McDonald for their inspiration and is saved by the Secret Service when one crazed fan, an Alex Salmond from Edinburgh, tries to invade the court wearing only a Saltire and singing Caledonia.

In other news, Scott Harrison goes to the Court of Human Rights when the BBBoC grant Walter McGowan a licence to fight, age 65.

n November. Ricky Hatton v Manny Pacquiao. Hatton enters the ring in his famous fat suit but causes stunned silence at the Thomas and Mack Centre when he peels off his robe and is actually 15st of pure Guinness and gravy. Joe Cortez, the referee, disqualifies him immediately but Pacquiao says he'll take him anyway.

The Filipino dances around Hatton, flicking jabs and drawing his opponent in with a full English breakfast. After eight rounds, Hatton retires on his stool, which was deposited after a particularly gruesome blow to the stomach. He announces his retirement.

In other news, BBC Scotland promote a new documentary on the fallen former WBO featherweight champion, Scott Harrison, called: Gonnae Jist Geeze Ma F****** Licence. The BBBofC fine him for bringing the sport into disrepute and withhold his licence in perpetuity. Harrison asks if EasyJet fly to Perpetuity.