GLASTONBURY Festival, that grand-daddy of all outdoor music festivals last weekend, included Auchtermuchty legends, The Proclaimers. When Proclaimer Charlie was asked whether he would invite strangers into his back garden to drink excessively, play loud music and piddle recklessly, like Glastonbury Festival founder Michael Eavis does, he replied: "It's a bit like that when my wife's family come to visit from Glasgow, to be honest."

Broadband musical
PROOF, sadly, that computers are affecting children's lives too much. A primary teacher in Bearsden tells us that one pupil told her that during the summer holidays her parents were taking her to London to see a musical.

When teach asked which musical, the little one replied: "Web Site Story."

Vote for Disco
AS Labour casts its net to find a candidate for the Glasgow East by-election, a group on computer networking site Facebook suggests it should be Disco Dave, the dolphin which swam up the Clyde the other week. It was named Disco Dave by a tabloid, not because of its dancing abilities, but because it had a Disco crisp packet stuck to its fin.How very Glasgow. Anyway, the group argues: "Some may say his inability to speak English is a problem. We remind you that this didn't stop Henry McLeish, Jack McConnell or Wendy Alexander.

"Cynics may wonder how Disco Dave will cope with the cut and thrust of Holyrood, and ask if he'll be a fish out of water. We remind you that dolphins are mammals, not fish."

Bell tolls
INEVITABLY, our story about the car alarm sounding on a Canadian car ferry reminds Des Divers in Dunoon of the yarn about the car alarm going off on the Western Ferry crossing to Dunoon.

The driver left the passenger lounge, returned to his car, opened the boot - and told his three kids inside that if they didn't stop moving about he would have to pay for them.

Photo call
AS BRITAIN was gripped by Andy Murray fever at Wimbledon yesterday, an American writer tried to explain the difference between Murray and the previous British hopeful, Tim Henman.

He wrote: "When a young woman recently sent her phone number to Murray's website, he wrote on his blog, I'd appreciate a photo. You could be a complete stinker.' If Henman is PG Wodehouse, Murray is Sacha Baron Cohen."

Tottie thumb
OUR stories of unhygienic serving methods remind Tom O'Hagan of his summer job at a pretentious Highland hotel, where he was expected to perform silver service - using a fork and spoon to serve the food.

Says Tom: "In the kitchen, the chef dished up the spuds with the spud held firmly on the spoon by his thumb. Deciding this was a much more practical method, I served up the spuds this way for weeks until the head waiter spotted it and dragged me aside.

" That's what Bert does in the kitchen!' I protested.

" Aye. That's the effing kitchen!' he replied.

"But not one customer ever complained about me having a thumb on their tattie."

Cold comfort
READER Ross Pollock in Glasgow tells us about a friend with a cold who informed him that a herbalist had recommended she try "euthanasia". A tad extreme for a cold, he thought, and suggested echinacea instead.

Big moothie
WE hear about a Scottish squaddie who had to tell his fiancee that he was going to Belize in Central America for six weeks jungle warfare training. Now the ladies of Belize have a reputation of being very friendly with visiting soldiers, so the chap's girlfriend was quizzing him closely on what he would be doing with his spare time.

When he protested that he would be behaving himself, she went out and bought him a harmonica, and said he could always learn to play it when he was away. On his return he grabbed his girlfriend in an amorous embrace, but she pushed him back and told him: "There'll be none o' that until I hear you play a tune on the moothie."