AND so to the chamber of horrors. It was the last PMQs of the session and the insatiable vultures of Her Majesty's Press were perching eagerly, awaiting political blood to be spilled on the manicured Commons carpet.

Intriguingly, the night before, the vultures had been slurping down Chateau Darling at the Chancellor's summer drinks do, unaware, of course, that the snow-capped one had a little something up his sleeve and was about to announce just hours later that the 2p fuel duty rise was, once again, being shelved.

Could it have had anything to do with the Glasgow East by-election? Surely not.

Or the fact that the Tory toff and his fellow Cameroons had arranged a Commons debate after PMQs on - yes, you guessed it - fuel duty? Perish the thought.

As PMQs began and comradely cries directed at the Cons rang out: "We've shot your fox," Labour back bencher Richard Burden rose to his feet and, by happy coincidence, mentioned the issue of fuel bills.

However, the cunning plan came rather unstuck because the unfortunate MP rambled on for so long that the creature from the red lagoon - the Speaker - cut him short.

Count Cameron quipped to Tory hoots: "It's a wonderful thing: you don't have to finish a planted question to get a planted answer."

He asked Gordy whose "bright idea" it was to march young thugs to hospital so they could be confronted by the victims of their knife crimes. The bolt-necked premier creaked into action to not answer the question. With a deep frown, he insisted everyone was concerned about knife crime and boasted those antisocial families would have to sign "good behaviour" contracts. Phew, problem solved.

An exasperated DC urged the Prime Monster to be straight with everyone and answer the question. But, of course, he delivered another carefully-crafted non-answer.

Gordy found heart and attacked the Opposition over what he suggested was its cynical green posturing. He quoted the Count's own words: "Telling people that you can go green without paying the price, that's not leadership, that's not substance. But that's what he is trying to do now."

The Labour zombies finally sparked into life and moaned their approval. The Count bit back. "This isn't a green tax, this is a stealth tax." Now it was the turn of the Tory non-dead to holler.

Then, the shiny-haired one landed on the 2p fuel duty issue, asking if, by chance, its timing had anything to do with Labour saving its skin in Glasgow East.

Eyes staring straight ahead, the head zombie declared how it was right to announce the decision before MPs left for their hols and claimed that while the Conservative mantra was "vote blue, go green" as soon as the Tories were faced with making a tough decision on matters green they flunked it.

"The message is vote blue and get rid of this useless Prime Minister," snapped the Count to wails of laughter from his chums.

After another exchange of blows on MPs' expenses, DC made his parting shot but misfired. "I'm beginning to think the only thing in Downing St with a spine is his book on courage."

The PM had escaped the Count's fangs and growled DC had "run away" on a long list of issues from counter-terrorism to pollution.

He boomed: "This is a Conservative Party that gives no answers, offers no solutions and has no substance." The comrades roared their approval.

And with that the parliamentary zombies packed up their buckets and spades and headed off for the beaches. However, there is still the little matter of Glasgow East to be taken care of, which for the PM, has the potential of being the biggest horror show of them all.