Simon Says

One of my favourite theories about the House of Commons is that members start the day with a game on how utterly irrelevant topics can be introduced into the debate. One recent sure-fire winner was Harrow West MP Gareth Thomas, who during a debate on the promotion of tourism by local authorities, managed somehow to change the subject to the much-publicised Spice Girls split. His excuse was that Harrow Council may need to divert cash to counselling distraught tennyboppers following the departure of Ginger Spice. Interestingly, Mr Thomas recently placed an advertisement in the New Statesman seeking an "efficient, effective, hardworking dynamo" to run his Westminster office. I know of a certain ginger-headed young lady who fits the bill, but will Ms Halliwell be tempted to send in her CV?

Celebrations of a different kind are to take place in Brent and Harrow during the North West London Festival. A range of musical and cultural events has been planned to celebrate the ethnic diversity of our corner of London. But some of the festival's promotional literature has taken a rather dubious revisionist slant on the composer Beethoven. Some earnest scribbler, keen to prove the credentials of black culture in the world of classical music, writes: "There are some who feel that there is compelling evidence that Beethoven himself was of part-African descent." After conducting extensive research, I found out that the "Beethoven was black" brigade have base their argument on the shape of his nose in a solitary portrait. Roll over, Beethoven.

TV quizmaster Bob Holness is getting cheeky in his old age. The mercurial gameshow host kindly offered his services to fundraisers at Northwick Park Hospital's children's centre fund, who held a quiz at Stanmore's Leefe Robinson pub on Wednesday. Bob managed to remain professionally poker faced when he asked them: "Who is the current host of BBC1's Call My Bluff?" The answer was, of course, standing right before them.

The Millennium Dome is supposed to be Britain's triumphant offering to the year 2000. But I hear of a far graver threat to its success than the possibility that the Jubilee line extension will not be finished in time. If Brent East MP Ken Livingstone is elected Mayor of London, he threatens to fill the dome with his fishy friends. "I might end up putting an aquarium in it," Ken told Channel 5. "I'm vice-president of the Zoological Society of London. Not a lot of people know that." In fairness, it must be said that fish are one step up (if not in terms of evolution) from newts, of which Ken is inordinately fond. But I doubt that big dome cheese Peter Mandelson will approve of the plan, which is also rather unlikely to attract as many visitors as the more conventional options. However, Ken seems keen to make friends with the Minister Without Portfolio. "He's entertaining. The kind of nice, clean, bright young man you wouldn't mind your daughter bringing home," says Ken. I don't think even these appeasing words are going to do the trick.

Anyone going to Brent Countryside Day at Fryent Country Park is advised to keep a close eye on small children and dogs. Star attraction at the show on Sunday will be a hawk flying display, presided over by the appropriately-named Jim Chick, who was clearly born to the job. A press release from the Friends of Fryent Country Park tells me that visitors should beware of fowl play. "Jim's hawks seem to fly almost to order but they have been known occasionally to take a lively interest in the local bird life, to the consternation of their owner and the amusement of the crowds." Ah, nature -- still red in beak and claw.

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000.Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.