ITS no good! Delia, Ainsley and that nice man who adds cream to everything have got to me. I want to make a Christmas cake and be a domestic goddess.

I quite like Nigella, too, even if she is attempting to turn us liberated lasses into Stepford wives, but I havent got time to handpaint hundred and thousands so Ill stick with Delia for this one.

She is actually my personal favourite as I have one of her books, which I like to read while watching Ready Steady Cook and eating a Marks & Sparks microwave risotto.

I havent actually tried out any of the recipes as it is more fun to read them than to do them.

Theres less washing up and you can impress people with your knowledge of saffron as you watch Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

I can picture it now, sitting down watching the Queen, or Ali G, and passing round slices of rich, lovingly- nurtured Christmas cake (add tablespoon of brandy every week from now until icing).

Of course, I will have intricately designed iced roses and sugared holly, which my family will stare at aghast, and I get to say, it was just a little something I knocked up.

Sadly my last attempt at an iced Christmas cake ended up with the classic snow effect which was consigned to the corner with all the others that had gone wrong!

Unfortunately, carried away on the dream, I forgot my cooking skills are, in fact, limited.

My pastry could take out a Sherman tank at 50 paces and my Swiss rolls and Viennese sponges constantly had to be rescued by my domestic science teacher who always managed to turn the mixture into scones.

But thats all behind me now and, with the best intentions in the world, I thought I might give it a go.

Anyway, I digress. So far the cake ingredients alone have cost me £23 and I still dont have all the booze Ive got to pour into it!

It appears I am not alone in this madcap idea. The supermarket shelves were stripped of crushed walnuts and baking powder.

Naturally, I didnt take a list of ingredients with me and managed to draw a good crowd of knowledgeable people to debate the addition of black treacle (yes you do need it, but its run out).

Unable to get hold of many of the vital ingredients, I ransacked my larder to retrieve the baking kit from the last time I deluded myself into thinking I was Mrs Beeton.

Unfortunately, the sell-by dates have run out and Im not sure if theyre safe. I also wondered if I could substitute Alka Seltza for bicarbonate of soda, but this was quickly resolved as I had run out of that too which may explain the missing half-bottle of brandy I thought I had.

Now much as I like Delia, she does like to use old-fashioned elbow grease (why I cant use my £1.50 electric mixer I dont know!), which is why I abandoned the Christmas puddings at this stage, what with all the stirring and eight-hour steaming in four separate one-pint bowls with tied muslin lids, theyre far easier to buy!

How do you watch a saucepan for eight hours and where on earth do you get muslin, let alone white pudding bowls?

Still, Im not a quitter, there will be a cake, but if anyone knows where I can buy a lopsided fruit cake with splodged icing, please let me know.

ROSALIND HUTTON