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READER Gerry McCulloch spotted three chaps on Hallowe'en dressed as the colourfully clad oddities Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po from the Teletubbies taking some time to persuade a doorman in Glasgow's Royal Exchange Square to allow them ingress.
Just as they were eventually allowed in, the purple-clad fourth Teletubby, Tinky Winky, waddled up after being delayed at a cash machine. Stopped at the door, he argued that his pals had just been allowed in.
The bouncer, in total seriousness, shouted at the other three chaps in yellow, green and red costumes who had gone ahead: "Hey, is this guy with you?"
All Hallows peeve
SPEAKING of Hallowe'en, the Royal Scottish National Orchestra's concert to mark the date involves the musicians dressing up, with many of the audience joining in. We hear that box-office staff, for example, were unsure whether to charge Cerberus for one or three tickets.
Anyway, the RSNO's brass section entered into the spirit dressed as a chain gang, and took a while to take their positions. Unfortunately, principal trombone Davur Magnussen realised he had left his mute backstage, so the entire section, chained together, had to shuffle off at the last minute to retrieve it. Fortunately, none of them needed the loo during the performance.
Smoke doubt
A VIGNETTE from the no-nonsense town of Motherwell, Lanarkshire, where a young woman is standing outside McDonald's having a fag while holding a young child. A passer-by, worried about passive smoking, chides her: "Is your child enjoying his smoke?"
But she merely replies: "He's no' ma wean, ya numpty."
Chic witted
A NUMBER of readers have asked for further snippets from the new Chic Murray biography Just Daft. "Buy it yourself" would be the obvious retort, but before you do, we'll leave you with these Chic lines:
"Aye, but be fair! There's not that many one-handed heavyweights going the rounds."
"Who's that?"
"I'm not sure. I think he's a distant relative."
Alice grand
AND finally on Hallowe'en, a trendy young thing from Glasgow went to work last week in Larbert in a beautiful vintage 1950s white dress with polka dots, plus red cowboy boots, which she had bought on holiday in America. Going for a drink with colleagues afterwards, she was surprised when the pub manager handed her a bottle of Champagne at the end of the night.
Unbeknownst to her, she had won the bar's Hallowe'en costume prize as Alice in Wonderland.
One to bristle at
WE read in Psychology Today that supporters of different US parties were asked to rate jokes to see who had the best sense of humour. It was in fact the Republicans - but we kind of knew that from their choice of candidate.
Anyway, one of the jokes they were asked to rate was the husband saying to his wife: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"
His wife replied: "I clean the toilet bowl."
"How does that help?"
"I use your toothbrush."
Away, big spender
A couple in Cumbernauld were going through a rough patch, and the husband asked his wife what she would do if he won the lottery.
"Take half the money and divorce you," she snapped back.
He paused, went into his pocket and said: "Here's the fiver, then. Pack your bags."
Putting the boot in
RANGERS fans who wonder whether Gordon Ramsay will one day buy the club for which he once played shouldn't raise their hopes. Gordon recently handed over a pile of Delia Smith cookbooks to his local Oxfam shop, as he hates the shortcuts in cooking that Delia, a director of Norwich City, suggests in her latest opus, How to Cheat at Cooking - including using tinned mince.
"It made me quite distraught," said Gordon, "and taught me never to invest in a football club, if that's what it does to you."
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