POET John Hegley, is seeking a Scottish gig at Hogmanay (venue managers can contact him via his website). During his most recent performance north of the Border, at the Edinburgh Fringe, John reminisced about a boyhood escapade. Having begun his fond recollection with the words "I'd gone scrumping for apples " John halted, struck by the phrase's parochial Englishness. "Do you have your own word for it here?", John politely asked.

"Yes," said a stern and matronly voice from the Auld Reekie crowd. "We call it theft."

Backward thinking
READER John Holt, of Edinburgh, reckons a new grammatical term may have emerged during the course of the US presidential election campaign. It summarises a statement which, either way, makes no sense whatsoever. Such a verbal construction can thus be called a palindrone.

Street smart
HOUSE names, continued. Expatriate Scot Ian McCall submits two residential titles from Norfolk. Says Ian: "In the market town of Aylsham there's a house bearing the nameplate RIBOK. This doesn't convey anything when spoken in a Scottish accent, but voice it in rural Norfolk tones and you get Arr, I be OK.' "Not far away, on the road from Aylsham into Norwich, there's a house called Hunter's View. This isn't for its scenic vistas of rolling countryside, but because it's opposite a Land Rover dealership, Hunters."

Heaven's above
ON the theme of apt East Anglian addresses, John Armstrong wonders whether coincidence or someone with a black sense of humour can be blamed for the location of a sheltered housing scheme in Dereham: St Peter's Close.

What's up, doc?
VISITING a Glasgow hospital, Alex Frame was passed in a corridor by two theatre nurses in their blues. Shaking his head, one was observing to the other: "The problem is they're really bright academically and sail through their exams - but see when it comes to the hauns-oan bit, they're no' that bright." Alex now wishes he'd followed the pair to see whether they went on to advocate young doctors being taught enhanced manual dexterity via the old parlour game Operation.

Give us a Clooney
BLUEGRASS musician Dan Tyminski is heading to Glasgow for Celtic Connections 2009. Dan is best known via the soundtrack of the movie O Brother Where Art Thou (pictured), portraying the lead singer of a fictional gospel troupe, the Soggy Bottom Boys. Or, as festival director Donald Shaw has been telling folk: "Dan Tyminski's the voice of George Clooney which I'm sure his wife is very pleased about."

Oor forefaithers
WHAT Americans don't know, part 1006. During a spell living in America, Neil Robertson gave the same reply whenever locals inquired as to whether Scots celebrated Thanksgiving: "Yes - we do only six months earlier, rejoicing the fact that the Pilgrim Fathers departed."

Child's play
SHOPPING in her local mall in Poole, Christina Andrew-Wellman heard a PA announcement about a lost child who'd been taken to the manager's office and was now ready for collection. The same announcement was made several times over the next 30 minutes.

At last, a weary voice said over the Tannoy: "Would the mother of the lost child please come and collect him as soon as you've finished your shopping and before he wears us out - or we'll sell him."

Fare deal
GLASGOW taxi drivers are accustomed to morning-after messages on their cabs' computer screens concerning anxious passengers who, after 10 pints and a kebab supper, suddenly discovered a lack of fare for the previous night's journey home. They thus pawn their mobile phone, jacket, etc to the driver, attempting retrieval the following day. Cabbie Dougie McKerrell wonders what tale of rock'n'roll under-achievement lay behind a recent message: "Passenger left guitar as surety for two-pound fare eight weeks ago and would now like it back."