INDEX
ART Garfunkel,half, of course, of the multi-million selling Simon and Garfunkel, is appearing at the Glasgow Royal Concert Hall in October. He was recently asked why he and Paul Simon (they didn't get on) split up, and he replied: "I wanted it to be called Garfunkel and Simon."
Budget travel
"DID you notice," says a reader who called, "that since our politicians went on holiday, the price of oil has dropped from $147 to $113 a barrel.
"Think how much better we would be if they went on holiday more often."
No jacket required
MORE cheeky staff - a reader was in a Glasgow bar when a visiting American asked for a malt whisky, then added while holding up the glass: "Hey
barman, am I supposed to drink this neat?"
"Naw, yer awright in yer T-shirt and denims," replied the barman to the puzzled tourist.
Panto politics
GLASGOW'S Tron Theatre's panto this year will be Mother Bruce - a take on Mother Goose, but with a big tartan spider in the eponymous role.
Reader Jonothan McLeod, who was sent the theatre's publicity leaflet, was surprised that the baddy in the panto, who denies Mother Bruce a council house, is "Alexander Salamander", a name very close, of course, to that of our First Minister.
"Has Scottish Labour," he asks, "given up on those of us over the age of seven, and begun targeting the voters of the future? Is this the first panto to tackle the controversial right-to-buy scheme through the medium of talking spiders? I think we should be told."
A double
OUR story about the Strathclyde student meeting the female machinist in a Wishaw bar has touched upon what happens when the educated, yet naive, meet the more worldly.
Allan Mackintosh remembers as a young single man spending a golfing weekend at Rothesay where he and his pals got chatting to some local girls in the bar in the evening.
Being hospitable, Allan asked them what they were drinking. "Gin," one replied.
"And what would you like in your gin?" asked Allan. "Tonic? Bitter Lemon?"
"Mair gin," she swiftly replied.
Riviera city
TWO ladies lunching in a Glasgow Italian brasserie last week smiled politely when
their chatty Italian waiter shared the news that he was moving into a new house, telling them: "It reminds me so much of back home."
"Where is home in Italy?" the ladies asked.
"Sorrento," he replied.
"Where is your new house?" they inquired.
"Airdrie," he replied.
As the ladies tried not choke on their prosecco he explained that everyone was so friendly in Airdrie, just like at home.
So there.
"Not a place near Glasgow where you'll probably die."
Oops.
Fringe on the fritz
SUPPORT staff handing out flyers for Henning Wehn and Otto Kuhnle's comedy show 1000 Years of German Humour at the Underbelly at the
Fringe, have been keeping their own list of reasons why Edinburgh tourists didn't want to go to the show.
They were impressed by the Scottish chap they stopped who used the old Stan Boardman line: "They bombed our chippy."
It was an English visitor, though, who came up with the inevitable line: "I don't have a beach towel."
Olden but golden
DARE we use the opening
of the Olympics to tell the oldest and daftest Olympic
joke there is?
Oh, well, why not.
Three Scottish workies who had been building the stadium didn't have tickets for the opening ceremony, but the first grabbed a length of scaffolding they were dismantling and confidently strolled into the athletes' village telling security guards he was a British pole vaulter.
The second grabbed a sledge hammer at the construction site and breezed in telling everyone he was competing in the hammer throw.
Alas, the third came a cropper when he grabbed a roll of barbed wire at the site and told security he was competing in the fencing.
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