INDEX
STORIES you wish you had read. Mohamed al Fayed, pictured, stood up at the £7m Diana inquest yesterday and shouted: "April Fool!"
He then added: "You didn't really think I thought the Duke of Edinburgh ordered her murder, did you?"
Give us a clue
NO, we're just joshing.
What actually happened yesterday at the inquest was that Lord Justice Scott Baker picked up an envelope from the table, removed three cards from it and read out: "Henri Paul, with the Mercedes Benz, in the tunnel."
Job prospecting
THE bosses of Scotland's marketing, PR and advertising agencies gathered at Glasgow University's hallowed debating chamber this week to hear the Marketing Society's annual debate, this year on whether business would thrive in an independent Scotland.
Among the speakers was leading student debater Johnny Hardman - yes real name - who stood up in his gown and declared: "Before I begin my speech proper, who do I speak to afterwards about getting a summer job?"
Chairman Kenny Harris from Headsurf told him: "I'll tell you later. Mind you, there's a few here you wouldn't want to go near."
Going downhill
AH, modern Scotland.
We hear that instructors at the SNO!Zone artificial ski slope at Braehead are regularly encountering difficulties in fitting boots to persons wearing court-ordered electronic tags.
Good to see the rascals getting out and about for their £25 ski-ing lessons though.
Manse work
OUR story of the Newton Mearns lady phoning her husband to clear up her doggie's poo in the street reminds a reader of an irascible retired journalist in Bishopbriggs who went apoplectic when a local minister allowed his dog to defecate outside his house.
Our angry man stormed out to his garage, picked up a shovel, scooped up the deposit, marched to the churchman's front door, pushed the bell and when the man-in-black answered, flung the doggy mess on to his step, while growling: "Yours, I believe."
The journalist's wife was so mortified at her man's actions that for months she took the long way round to the shops to avoid walking past the manse.
Gifts and the gab
SAYING the wrong thing reminds Hugh McGinley in Sydney of being at his
uncle's wedding when his
uncle said in his speech:
"I'd like to thank all our family and friends for the gifts we received. Some of them were really beautiful."
There were then worried looks all round, says Hugh, as guests tried to work out how their gift had been regarded.
News in briefs
WE foolishly asked for your underwear stories, so with
some trepidation we award the promo pack of boxer shorts from Red Torpedo to Charles Andrews for the gag -
and to those with a nervous disposition, look away.
A hard-of-hearing husband was at the doctors when he was told: "I need sperm, stool and urine samples for some tests."
The husband said to his wife: "What did he say?"
"He said he needs your underpants," replied the wife.
Sorry about that.
Home brews
THIS week's takeover of Scottish & Newcastle by
Dutch brewer Heineken reminds former worker Arthur Elsy in Linlithgow of when S&N merged with Courage
and traded for a while as Scottish Courage.
He just wonders whether if they had retained the name, the new company after this week's takeover would have become Dutch Courage.
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