AFTER being mired in planning for 13 years, David Murray hopes soon to begin marketing his housing and leisure development at Newhouse that includes the Torrance Park Golf Course where, according to reports, "a golf ball has still to be hit in earnest".

However, this may come as a surprise to the regulars of a local hostelry in Holytown who have had their own golf section for three years now, regularly playing medals over 14 holes - thus avoiding the security guards. Handicaps are posted on the pub board and charges are minimal. The only stipulation for membership is being a local of the local.

Whisky and water
OUR holiday fiasco tale prompted Les Brown to recall the late 1950s when cops assisted the sailings of steamers from the Broomielaw. They took up duty at 9.30am, had breakfast and a wee dram, courtesy of the crew, then were available until sailing time at 11am. However, when due off duty at 2pm they discovered one of their number was missing, so no-one could go home until he had been located.

The missing cop, Arthur, who liked a dram, was found much later sitting at the harbour in Dunoon in Glasgow police uniform.

Les also tells us that one of their duties was to record boarding passengers, using hand-held counters. An American lady who asked "Why do you do that" was told: "Madam this is an old paddle steamer and when it eventually goes down we will have an accurate figure of how many perished."

Brazilian whacks
SOME things never change. I hear that a group of VIPs from Maceio visited the Famous Grouse Experience at Crieff recently to strengthen links between the Brazilian coastal city, which boasts a population of one million, and Scotland's best-selling whisky.

In a moment of shall we say, exuberance, the Brazilian visitors decided to use one of the breaks to challenge the Scots to a football match. The Scottish team was sadly short of a fiery, red-haired midfielder so Steve Craik, executive chef at the Grouse visitor centre, was enlisted from the kitchen.

Sadly, even the brand's own star player, Derek Brown, who was once on Rangers' books and who received a badly swollen ankle for his trouble, was unable to prevent a repeat of the score line in the opening game of France 98. Result: Scotland 1 Brazil 2. I'm told that the Scots' goal was almost on a par with that scored by David Narey - aye, right.

Celts' name game
JIM Lawrie sees from the current transfer speculation around Parkhead that the Hoops are on the trail of Fanni (for the record, a French defender). Bhoys will be boys, I suppose, but in anticipation of the excruciating headlines let's hope they can't afford him. Wasn't Rafael Scheidt already a joke too far?

Star workforce
AFTER the appointment of Mel Brookes as their new marketing manager, Glasgow construction outfit City Building seems to have something of a star-studded workforce. The following are all employed - when they are not earning fortunes in their real jobs, of course: Roger Moore (Royal Strathclyde Blind Institute), John Lennon (RSBI), Jimmy Hill (maintenance engineer), David Cameron (site administrator), James Stewart (joiner), Jimmy Johnstone (operations manager), Derek Johnstone (electrician), Steve McQueen (operations manager), Steve McQueen (joiner), Ronnie Regan (service manager), William Wallace (operations manager), William Hill (lift engineer), Robert Burns (joiner), Walter Scott (lift engineer), Gordon Brown (apprentice electrician) and Neal Diamond (painter).