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IT has not, of course, gone unnoticed among Rangers fans that their Uefa Cup tie against Hapoel Tel Aviv tomorrow coincides with Valentine's Day, and no doubt some fevered negotiations have taken place to convince loved ones that an evening watching the fitba is just the dabs, romance-wise.
Being a bit more calculating is the Glasgow pub The Admiral which has advertisied watching the game with the statement: "Options are: Chuck the burd, it's only Valentine's. Buy her pizza and two pints - only a Valentine's tenner. Or if you're a lady, put the Teddy's on for the man in your life."
We fear the last suggestion is a clumsy play on words involving Rangers' nickname and an item of lingerie.
It will be interesting to discover how brave Rangers fans are tomorrow.
Whole new ball game
OH, and speaking of fitba, QC Ian Hamilton says on his website ianhamiltonqc.com that he has sponsored the word "fitba" on behalf of the Tartan Army to help pay for a new edition of the Scots Concise Dictionary which has duly sent the TA a certificate acknowledging the sponsorship.
Those who may argue that the word is merely the lazy pronunciation of the English word football, are told by Ian that it appears as fitba in a Scottish Act of Parliament of 1424.
We assume he means nearly 600 years ago, rather than just before half past two.
Closed call
When the officers pointed out that it was a) a garage door and b) not even his, he told them: "Oh . . . I thought she was taking a long time to answer."
Making light of it
He was visited by fellow Scot, and former singer, Enoch Kent who asked about the hospital regime.
"They say that I have to lose weight and they've put me on a diet . . . so far I've lost 30lbs," Tam told him.
Naturally, Enoch couldn't stop himself. "Does that include the leg?" he asked.
And, yes, they are still pals.
Arabian flights
STAFF at the Scottish Executive in Edinburgh have just received a Christmas card posted in Glasgow - six weeks late. Examination of the envelope showed that it had a computer-printed address of St Andrew's House, Edinburgh, Scotland, United Arab Emirates. If you have a drop-down menu on your computer, UAE is next to United Kingdom so a millimetre out and that's what is printed. And, yes, the letter did go all the way to the UAE before a postal worker there figured out where Edinburgh was - more, of course, than the worker in the Glasgow mail centre did in the first place.
Oops.
Sour note
NORMAN Chalmers, of traditional music band Jock Tamson's Bairns, had his campervan broken into in Glasgow's west end and his white circular instrument case stolen. It included among
the instruments the new Hohner Highlander mouth organ and a bodhran.
He knew bodhrans, the hand-held drums, are not always popular but didn't think folk would go that far to get rid of one.
He tells us: "There is the story of the bodhran player and a banjo player falling off the Empire State Building together. Who hits the ground first?
"The answer is, of course, Who cares?'"
Norman hopes that anyone with news of the instruments would contact Maryhill police.
Slim chance
WE are told about an
overweight woman in Glasgow who went to her doctor. She was told to try a new eating regime. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. You should lose about five pounds."
When she returned, he was shocked to see she had, in fact, lost more than two stone, and he asked if she had followed his directions.
"Aye, doctor," she told him, "But ah thought ah wiz goin' to drop doon deid on the third day."
"What, from hunger?" he asked.
"No," she told him, "from the bloody skippin'."
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