Star rating: **
Dir: Neil Thompson
With: Mel Raido, Maxine Peake, Colin Salmon

Imagine a Guy Ritchie geezer-fest transported to the north of England and tarted up with a soul soundtrack and you have the measure of this rather dodgy eighties-set drama. Based on the autobiography by Geoff Thompson, Clubbed is the story of Danny (Mel Raido), a seven-stone weakling who finds dignity and purpose in life by standing in nightclub doorways turning away badly dressed northerners. Mentoring Danny in the ways of the doorman is Colin Salmon's bouncer/Zen master. Salmon's character is as unconvincing as the dialogue is ropey, and it doesn't help the film's bid to be taken seriously that Danny looks the absolute spit of Norman Wisdom. You're barred, Mr Grimsdale!