You are a busy person. You have business meetings to attend. You have million-pound deals to close. You have just bought a BlackBerry personal life organiser and will spend the next six hours working out how to switch it on. Frankly, you don't have time to stay on top of what's happening in the world of high fashion, and that is why you rely on me to keep you informed.
Have I ever let you down? Has there been a moment when you regretted spending £540 on your Dolce & Gabbana cashmere earmuffs? Exactly. I am Mr Fashion, and that is why I want to stop whatever you are doing right now and write down the following words: LipoContour Pants.
Normally, I wouldn't recommend undergarments, especially when they look like Auntie Ethel's ultimate anti-aphrodisiac. But LipoContour Pants have special slimming powers that will make you look like Paris Hilton after three weeks on a prison diet. How can this be so, I hear you ask. Be patient, the answer is coming. But first a little background information.
Back in the dawn of time, shortly before the first series of Still Game was shown on BBC1, God beget Adam and Eve and one night, when it was a bit frosty in the Garden of Eden, Eve said to Adam, "Hey darlin', I know this sounds a bit forward, what with me being a chick and all, but I'm absolutely freezing out here. I know a good pub nearby. Do you fancy a drink?" And lo, one drink begat another and before they knew it, Adam and Eve had booked into Moses Country House Hotel in Killearn for a dirty weekend. Theretoforeafter, Adam and Eve had a daughter, Tiffany, and she had a son, Malcolm, and they had sons and daughters, though not together, I hasten to add, because that wouldn't be suitable for a family newspaper like The Herald.
Fast forward 20,000 years to a hospital in Rome, where two happy parents had a son who was about to change the course of world history. His name was Marco Gasparotti and he was a professor of medicine, which was quite an achievement for someone who hadn't even passed his Standard Grades. But the fact is God decided to make Professor Marco special, partly to make up for the fact his great-great-great-great-great-grandmother was called Tiffany and partly because he had got bored with his George W Bush as president joke and wanted to jazz things up a bit.
Professor Marco could have done anything he wanted to with his life, up to and including the creation of world peace and the spontaneous combustion of Eamonn Holmes. But his calling was even greater than merely saving mankind from itself, so he decided to become a plastic surgeon. It was a lucrative existence, although many people have unrealistic expectations. And lo, one day, when a female client with a backside the size of a two-seat sofa came into his surgery and said she wanted him to make her look like Sharon Stone, he said to himself there has got to be a better way of making a living than this.
That was when Professor Marco invented the LipoContour Pants - the pants that help you lose weight.
This must-have fashion item is made out of a double-layered fabric which provides constant micro massages in the problem area, which in turn helps break down cellulite and improve circulation. All you have to do is wear the pants for eight hours a day over a month. Personally, I often wear pants for a month but I realise this could prove a problem for some of you, especially if you have to interact with other humans. No problem. Buy 365 pairs; one for every day of the year.
In fact, that is exactly what people have been doing, thereby pushing up demand for Professor Marco's invention. This is why I haven't even been able to buy a pair for myself. Fortunately, the Daily Mail carried a feature the other day in which it interviewed four women who had road-tested the Lipo-Contour Pants.
Here are just a few comments from the four women: "When I first tried the pants on they felt quite restrictive and the recent warm weather meant they were quite uncomfortable."
"As control pants, they are fantastic. But I didn't tell many people I was wearing them; who wants their friends to imagine them in giant pants?"
"The orange-peel texture has disappeared, particularly around my bottom."
"My husband divorced me when he saw me wearing them."
Actually, I made that last one up. But I think you'll agree the LipoContour Pants are an absolute must-have. In fact, I don't think I have ever come across anything so essential for the way we live life today, except perhaps a pair of £540 Dolce & Gabbana cashmere earmuffs.
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