Leonard Cohen makes a swift return north of the border tonight, sure to enthrall a crowd of 8500 on Edinburgh Castle's Esplanade.

Leonard's legendarily dour demeanour has been tempered by an element of stand-up comedy, judging by a recent address at the Montreux Jazz Festival.

As Leonard told devotees: "It's been a long time since I've stood up on a stage, about 14 years - I was 60, just a kid with a crazy dream.

"Since then, I've taken a lot of Prozac, and I've also studied religion and philosophy - but cheerfulness kept breaking through."

Take my wife ...
Returning to the topic of bigamy, Martin Harris recalls a pal explaining the word's meaning to his young son, finally settling on "It's having one wife too many."

This prompted the little chap to a further question: "So what's monogamy, then?" Martin's pal ensured the boy's mother was out of earshot before replying: "That's having one wife too many as well."

Wrong-footed
Aussie Rules: it's an iron man's game. John Roberts salutes his great uncle, Geoff Leek, aka the Gentle Giant. Geoff badly twisted an ankle during the final training session before the game that was going to be his last for Essendon, the 1962 Australian Grand Final.

With his big farewell in doubt, Geoff grabbed a lifeline proffered by Essendon's selectors. He could play if he passed a fitness test: kicking a medicine ball. Geoff's first timid kick at the heavy-weight lump made him grimace, so the watching selectors ordered him to kick it again - harder. He did, struggling to mask his pain. But he'd have to kick it harder still, the selectors insisted.

Having given it an almighty blooter, Geoff was declared fit to play, going on to lead a famous Essendon victory. "Thankfully," John says, "the selectors were never aware that Geoff was kicking with his non-injured leg."

Wonders of nature
Undertaking an Antarctic eco-tour, retired Glasgow broadcaster David Scott couldn't help but marvel at his American fellow travellers.

One, a woman from Houston, asked an on-board climate lecturer if the moon they were seeing was the same one they saw in Texas.

Another earnestly asked: "What happens to the icebergs when they melt?"

Hit the books
Robert McKenzie of Coatbridge is unimpressed by Strathclyde Police's report that children as young as 12 are carrying elaborate imitation firearms in their school bags.

Insists Robert: "I spent my entire childhood playing at cowboys carrying a convincing-looking Colt .45 without once having come to the attention of police. As for the menace posed by schoolchildren carrying weapons in their bags, I can only assume the police's report-writer was never walloped by another kid with a satchel full of books."

Robert concludes: "Outlaw school satchels! Crack down on books!"

Brown schooldays
What's in a name? Jonathan Lord's father used to reminisce about a teacher from his schooldays, a Mr Dyer.

Taking class not long after his appointment to the school, Mr Dyer was interrupted by a boy sticking his head round the door, inquiring: "Is Mr Dyer 'ere?"

From that day forward until his retirement 40 years later, the unfortunate dominie was known as "Squirts."

Monster truck
Glasgow's streets are currently rendered more thrilling by a sinister-looking black van with blacked-out windows, elaborate gold-painted royal crests on its doors, plus Chinese letters of the type which can be seen trendily tattooed on David Beckham's torso.

Operated by Masa Pest Extermination, the van also sports a personalised number plate which presumably indicates that there's a hefty unit price attached to eradicating individual rodents from a stylish vehicle: RAT 250.