Wrest at the fest
The Diary's front-line T in the Park correspondent was loitering near the entrance to the mosh-pit area in front of the main stage, which was naturally defended by lots of crush barriers and burly stewards.

A bouncer was solemnly informing would-be moshers approaching the head of the hour-long queue: "A word of advice: if you're going to jump the barriers, don't pause to turn back and wave to your mates for posterity. You'll feel the arms of a fat man embracing you and pinning you to the ground before you know it."

Meanwhile, a diminutive festival-goer was showered in pints of the product brewed by T in the Park's sponsors as one over-enthusiastic reveller after another wheeched their drinks into the air. The icing on the cake came when a full can of cider hit the side of her face. A taller chap standing next to her proffered commiserations, stating: "You should have brought a couple of boxes so you could see it coming, eh?"

l Romance plainly isn't dead at Balado, judging by one young Romeo's T in the Park chat-up line: "If you were a bogey, hen, I'd pick you first."

Trocchi and rolling
Glaswegian Norry Wilson proudly notes that French-Canadian songwriting legend Leonard Cohen has an unforgettable connection to the city, courtesy of Glasgow-born poet, junkie, fraudster and pimp Alexander Trocchi.

In the early sixties, Trocchi fled New York while facing drugs charges, bound for Britain by sea via Canada. His NYC poetry buddies asked a fellow poet in Montreal, the then-unknown Cohen, to meet the troublesome Trocchi off the Greyhound bus and escort him ship-wards.

Trocchi, of course, dragged Cohen to a seedy apartment to cook up raw opium. Unused to the ways of Glasgow junkies, Cohen accepted the offer to sample the drugs. He thus found himself temporarily rendered blind while trying to cross Montreal's busiest intersection.

"I wonder if Leonard's ever accepted a drink from a Scotsman since?" asks Norry, adding: "As it's Edinburgh he'll next be in, playing at the Castle on Wednesday, I doubt he'll get the chance this time."

Horse whisperer
Reader Rab Davidson of Dumfries recalls a quotation by the Holy Roman Emperor Charles V: "I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women, French to men and German to my horse."

Rab continues: "In view of last week's court reports about Max Mosley, has someone mis-heard the last word?"

On song
Ahead of a possible reunion with Rod Stewart in the Faces, Ian McLagan next week visits King Tut's in Glasgow and the Inn at Lathones near St Andrews with his own combo, the Bump Band. In the jokes section of his website, Ian lists his favourite country song titles. They include: l If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

l I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

l I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.

l If I'd Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now.

l I Ain't Never Gone to Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.

Knockout blow
One-time world boxing champion Ricky Hatton, pictured at foot, recently debuted as a stand-up comic, silencing a heckler with a put-down as deadly as any upper-cut.

"Save your breath," Ricky counselled his would-be tormentor. "You'll need it later when you get home, to inflate your girlfriend."

He also revealed his trainer's instructions between the rounds of a fight that was going badly. "Wave your arms around a bit more," Ricky was told as he sat, gasping and bloodied, in his corner. "You never know, the draught might give him pneumonia."

Below the belt
The Diary's Australia correspondent, Gary Johnston, has become a devotee of Aussie rules football, particularly enjoying the game's TV commentators.

During the recent encounter between Hawthorn and Sydney, Gary heard Melbourne's gaffe-prone version of Archie Macpherson talk up the talents of one big galoot who'd just taken a brilliant mark, or catch. "How about that?" enthused the Aussie Archie. "Brilliantly using his long arms and those massive testicles!"

An awkward pause ensued, after which the commentator's on-screen colleague inquired: "Ah, mate, did you mean tentacles?" Following another pause, Aussie Archie mysteriously insisted: "Not necessarily."