OUR tale of the sandwich-maker trailing her sleeve through the mayonnaise reminds Jim Scott in Newbridge of when he worked in United Glass in Shettleston. He tells us: "There was an old dear who worked in the canteen. One day my pal and I asked for soup and when she brought it over she had a plate in each hand and her thumbs were up to the first knuckle in the soup, "My pal, George, said to her, Maggie for God's sake! Get your fingers out of the soup!' "She said, It's okay, son. It's no' warm'."

Comeback special
IT'S more than 170 years since German composer Felix Mendelssohn, pictured at foot, visited Mull and Staffa and wrote the world-famous overture Fingal's Cave. So for the past 20 years there has been an annual Mendelssohn on Mull music festival, inspired by the visit.

Thus a tourist was in the Mull Pottery shop the other day, saw the poster for the 20th anniversary Mendelssohn Festival, and misinterpreting the mention of 20th, asked: "Will Mendelssohn be appearing?"

Rather than tell a customer they were completely in the wrong, the lady in the shop replied cautiously: "I think it might be a tribute band."

Risk assessment
A READER overhears a west end woman tell her pal: "I have to be really careful not to get pregnant."

Her confused pal asks: "But I thought your husband just had a vasectomy?"

"Exactly," she replied.

She's cross
THE forthcoming Glasgow East by-election has us thinking about previous elections and how not every candidate's mind is always on politics. We remember when former Glasgow LibDem councillor Niall Walker stood, and lost, as an independent, and wrote afterwards in his blog: "I got well and truly trounced. The only party I had beaten was the Christian Voice. Actually, the candidate was quite an attractive girl - it was a shame she was a Christian, no point in chatting her up then."

Port storm
CAMP English comedian Jason Wood was compering Dram magazine's Scottish Licensed Trade Awards and making a decent attempt at the various Scottish pronunciations - the Taychreggan Hotel, for example, was declared whisky bar of the year.

Finally, recognition dawned when he mentioned Port Glasgow. "I know Port Glasgow," said Jason. "I have relatives from there."

And just to prove he knew it, Jason added: "Port Glasgow makes Easterhouse look like Hawaii."

But we think he was joking.

Tipping point
WE watched as three ladies-who-lunch in Glasgow's Princes Square each tried to take the bill from the waiter after they had dined together. "Give it to me," said one.

"No, you got it last time," said another. "I'll get it."

The poor waiter was completely confused until the third perfectly-coiffured lady declared: "I'm the biggest tipper," and the bill was swiftly placed before her.

Cost and found
STAFF in a large Edinburgh office were sent an e-mail from the manager's secretary stating that if anyone had lost £40 and could say where they lost it, then to get in touch.

We admire the chap who replied: "On Germany for Euro 2008 at Ladbrokes."

Yellow peril A SENIOR manager at a firm in Dubai told a group discussion the other day: "If I may play Devil's advocaat for a moment " pronouncing it not as advocate but as the yellow Dutch drink.

Most folk at the meeting didn't want to draw attention to the unusual pronunciation, apart from the Scot at the meeting who said: "I had a Devil's Advocaat once, and spent the night in the loo."

Tea for tutu
TALES of Scottish Ballet remind Margaret Macritchie: "Given the cosmopolitan nature of Scottish Ballet, one wonders what the dancers made of a notice on the Green Room tea/coffee machine which read, Please do not shoogle this machine'."