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A STONEHAVEN reader tells us that an oil worker who flew back to Aberdeen from outside the EU was stopped at customs for having two bottles of whisky in his luggage, and that as the allowance was for only one litre of spirits he would have to pay tax on the other.
The chap declared he wasn't paying any tax, and deliberately dropped one of the bottles, which smashed.
"That was the duty-free one," said the impassive customs officer.
Decisions, decisions
MORE dilemmas for Rangers fans considering attending the Uefa Cup final in Manchester next week. One fan posted on the Rangers fans' website that he is due to start a job in Angola this week, which would be jeopardised if he went to the cup final instead. What should he do?
One fan replied: "Difficult - one is a dangerous place rife with crime and anti-social behaviour.
"And the other is in Africa!"
"Seven letters - not bad, eh?"
Totally floored
A READER was chatting to a friend in Edinburgh who is a music teacher. She decided to jazz up the certificates she presented to pupils by using sealing wax to make them look more imposing, but wondered if shops still sold it.
She realised how difficult a task it was after phoning a number of stores to no avail, until one assistant asked her: "I've never heard of anyone polishing their ceilings. Would floor wax not do?"
Grace under fire
A WAITRESS in a Glasgow
city centre restaurant tells us about an American couple last week who, when she served them their meals, just stared at the food, mumbling.
Thinking something was wrong she said: "Is everything OK?" As they ignored her, she got a bit worried and asked: "Is there something wrong?" So imagine her big reddie when they looked up and the chap said: "Amen."
Bit fishy
A FREE newspaper in Glasgow this week ran an advertisement in its recruitment section for Barclay's Goldfish credit card which begins with: "At Goldfish, we don't just offer you great career prospects . . ." Presumably after sacking 900 workers at their Cumbernauld call centre this week, the word "just" was left in by mistake.
Gin rammy
FURTHER tales of the exciseman. A reader who worked in a bonded whisky warehouse in Dumbarton tells
us they once had the novelty of
bottling gin.
All went well until the senior excise officer appeared in a state of great indignation, accusing staff of taking the, em, mickey out of him.
It wasn't so much that staff had a stainless steel bucket in the filtration room full of gin mixed with tonic - it was the fact there were slices of lemon floating in it.
Stuff and nonsense
A READER phones to tell us: "So former Deputy Prime
Minister John Prescott claims he's bulimic, while all the time everyone thought he was just obese?" She then added: "So does that prove you can have your cake and eat it?"
Supermouse
A FATHER who brought home a new computer the other week was trying to impress his
seven-year-old daughter by telling her that when he was younger, a computer with the same amount of computing power would have been the size of a house.
Her eyes widened as she asked him: "What size was the mouse?"
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