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A GLASGOW chap working for an international company had to attend a staff meeting where a motivational speaker was telling them how they could fulfil their potential.
An air-conditioning unit in the corner was clunking away making a bit of a racket, however, and the speaker finally asked: "Is that noise annoying you as much as me?" "No, I think you just edge it," muttered a voice from the back of the room.
Uefan a laugh?
AS Rangers fans bid excessively for Uefa Cup final tickets, a fan bewails on a supporters' website: "My other half has just called, absolutely spitting feathers. She has just seen our bank statement and called to ask if I thought that spending over £1800 was a bit excessive for a football match.
"I tried to explain it was a once-in-a-lifetime game. She then went off on one again saying the money could be put to better use. I asked what better use, and she replied, an engagement ring'. "So I reply, if we win I'll get you one, then'. Jesus Christ, I should have just kept quiet and taken the abuse." Proving once again that such sites are no place for relationship advice, a fellow fan replies: "You can always get another woman. You may never get another Uefa final."
Football calendar
THE Rangers' fixture congestion finds little sympathy from Celtic fans, of course. One phones to tell us: "In order to help Rangers, the Fair Fortnight has been moved to the September weekend, which in turn has been moved to January. Christmas Day will be March 27,
New Year's Day will remain the
same, but only last three hours. Everyone's birthdays have been cancelled and pregnancies will now last 13 months. I hope this now clarifies the situation."
said the young woman in the American-style diner in Lanarkshire, "or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?"
Creased himself
WE overhear a student
sunning himself in a west end
beer-garden being quizzed by his mates about a burn mark on his chin.
When asked how it happened, he replied: "Ironing my shirt." A puzzled pal wished for elucidation, wondering how you could burn your chin while ironing a shirt.
"I know it sounds daft," the chap finally admitted. "But I was wearing it at the time."
Lead by example OUR Washington correspondent phones to say that Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe is refusing to step down as president even though he lost the election because he claims he still has a chance to win.
He got the idea, we're told, from Hillary Clinton.
Slick tyres
AVOIDING the exciseman
continued. John Collins in Cumbernauld writes: "Many years ago, when visiting the
Ballantine's distillery in
Dumbarton, I noticed the
excise officer having a heated conversation with a grain
lorry driver.
"A large Michelin tyre man was fixed to each side of his cab. After a few minutes, the excise man produced his penknife and stabbed the Michelin man at the driver's side of the cab - and out streamed the golden liquid."
Hot toddies
AND Alan Mitchell recalls
William Grants in Paisley
in the early seventies
when girls in the bottling
hall strapped hot water
bottles filled with whisky
to their waists under their
skirts.
There were, of course, random security checks at the front gate and when these took place, those who had already left would alert those still inside through the wire fence.
Adds Alan: "This meant that the bottles had to be ditched quickly, and it was a very amusing sight to see a couple of dozen pink hot water bottles floating on the small dam which was alongside the main gate."
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