THE annual golf competition between Roman Catholic priests and Church of Scotland ministers took place in Glasgow this week, which allowed Bishop John Mone pictured at foot to tell folk that he was going away on a course for handicapped clergy.

Glasgow has been deluged with thunderstorms this week, and as one of the C of S ministers in the bishop's fourball got a birdie, there was a loud crack of thunder.

"I didn't think I'd get an answer to my prayer so quickly to stop you getting any more," the Bishop immediately cracked.

Pastoral neglect
OH, and a final piece of wisdom from the bishop. "If your golf handicap is above eight," he says, "you're neglecting your golf. And if it's below eight, then you're neglecting your parish."

Maiden Scotland
An EXPATriate home from Cape Town was in a Dumfries post office when an elderly man at the front of the queue was being taken through some security questions in order to access his account. He was asked for his mother's maiden name. He said it was Mary. The man behind the counter explained that was her Christian name, not her maiden name.

As he stood there, looking blank, an exasperated voice shouted from the back of the queue: "Mary whit?"

Late starter
ANNABEL Taylor wonders whether Scott's Restaurant in Troon was making a subtle point about diners arriving late for their meals. The soup of the day yesterday was "turnip and thyme".

Dearly departing
A BEARSDEN mother who had an exchange student staying with the family from France, realised that perhaps not every English idiom had been explained to her. When the girl left, she bought her host a beautiful bunch of flowers, and a card which said on the front "In loving memory".

Fresh Salmond
THE first anniversary of the SNP's time in power coincides with the publication of The Road to Independence? Scotland Since the Sixties, by Murray Pittock, which is dedicated to SNP stalwart Sir Neil McCormick.

Neil says he has never had a book dedicated to him before and adds: "This is a special honour because it's actually a good book. I'm sure people have had books dedicated to them before and when they see the response to the book afterwards, wish they hadn't." First Minister Alex Salmond says he would be paying particular attention to the chapters on the sixties and seventies, as he was "far too young" to have any familiarity at all with politics in those days.

Aye, right Alex.

Dug for gold
DO WE believe the jeweller in the Argyll Arcade who claims that a distraught woman came in with a picture of her recently deceased dog, and asked if a gold statue of it could be made so that she would have a permanent reminder of her faithful companion?

He says he asked her: "Eighteen carat?"

And she replied: "No, chewing a bone."

Luke before leap
AND talking of misunderstandings, a lawyer back from a winter break in the Carib- bean tells us he went down to the hotel's pool and asked the lifeguard what the water was like.

When he replied "lukewarm" our holidaymaker jumped straight in, and immediately surfaced shouting: "It's b loody cold." "Well, it look warm to me," replied the lifeguard.

Euro pop
WE mentioned the Scottish office of the European Parliament wanting pub quizzes about Europe Day to be held on the ninth. John Edward at the office, who says potential teams can get in touch at epedinburgh@europarl.europa.eu, starts the quiz rolling with: "Do you know what Riks! Raks! Poks!' means?" Well, no we didn't, but our smart-alec friend Mr Google tells us it is the Finnish for Snap, Crackle and Pop on packets of Rice Krispies.

The Swedish, apparently, put "Piff! Paff! Puff!", the Spanish "Pim! Pum! Pam!" and the Germans "Knisper! Knasper! Knusper!", which really is far much more information than we needed.