Infectious humour
OUR Washington correspondent phones to tell us that President Bush, right, signed a proclamation at the White House this week declaring it Malaria Awareness Week.

Afterwards the President announced: "This is a great day for all Malarians."

Eye-opener
A PENSIONER having her eyes tested in a Glasgow branch of Specsavers this week, was asked by a new member of staff, reading from a card, whether she, or a close relative, "suffered from diabetes, heart disease or gonorrhoea".

After answering with a hesitant "I don't think so," she then asked: "What's that got to do with my eyes?"

At that a more senior member of staff rushed over, apologised, and said: "It's glaucoma."

Getting shirty
CELTIC'S shirt manufacturer, Nike, asked for a full report on goalkeeper Artur Boruc wearing a T-shirt of the Pope at the Old Firm game, says reader John Newlands. It was relieved to discover, however, after looking at pictures of the incident, below, that he was not wearing a Mitre.

Catch 22
A SHAWLANDS mother tells us she was fed up with her two young sons squabbling and arguing over who was doing the dishes, emptying the bin, tidying their rooms or whatever, so she printed out a 22-point list of how they had to behave and help around the house.

Her husband came home that night, looked at the list now stuck to the kitchen wall, and sniffed: "God managed it with 10."

Crystal clear
"I WENT to see a psychic the other week," said the chap in the pub. "She was spot on," he told his mates.

"She said I was going to get ripped off by an old lady with no special powers whatsoever."

Swap shop
A WORKER helping to dismantle the Enjoy the Taste of Scotland food fair in Glasgow's George Square at the weekend reveals that many of the stall-holders try to avoid taking their unsold produce home, and thus get involved in a series of barters among fellow stall-holders.

He tells us: "It would appear that one bottle of VC2's Boe Gin is worth eight Kingsmill loaves, and four packets of Baxters beetroot is worth one haggis from McSweens."

EU Q&A
BEWARE of going in to a pub on May 9, as the Scottish office of the European Parliament wants to hold the biggest pub quiz night on Europe Day which they hope will get so many contestants that it will make the Guinness Book of Records. Not any old pub quiz, though, but questions specifically about the European Parliament.

We wonder if "how many millilitres are there in a British pint?", "how curved should your banana be to comply with European legislation?" and "what do we actually get for the billions we spend on the European Parliament?" will feature.