READER John Macdonald missed his ferry to Dunoon and took shelter in a Gourock bar where he heard two locals discussing a pal who played in goal for Port Glasgow Rangers in the sixties and who had brought in a picture of the team from those days to show the barmaid. He asked her if she could pick him out and he was quite chuffed when she pointed to him right away.

Thinking he hadn't changed much, he asked her how she managed to spot him, and she replied: "Ya eejit - you're the only wan wi' a goalkeeper's jersey oan."

Timed to a tea
RETIRED detective, and author of Glasgow Crimefighter, Les Brown was asked to give a talk at a Woman's Guild on his career, and just before standing up he asked the chairperson quietly to let him know when his hour was up. He needn't have bothered as, after one hour exactly, the door at the rear of the hall was thrown open and a large lady shouted at the top of her voice: "Mr Brown! How many sugars do you take?"

Drink is the key
TWO students heading home on a Glasgow night bus after a boozy night were congratulating themselves on handing in a set of keys they found on the floor of the club they had been drinking in. It was only as they stood up to get off the bus that a frantic search of his pockets by one of them revealed that the keys his mate had handed in were his.

They were last seen across the road waiting for a bus to take them back to the club they had jauntily just left.

Blotted copybook
GLASGOW City Council held a training course for councillors on their new "signing" powers which allows all councillors to sign legal documents such as immigration applications or changes to people's names, which in the past was just done by justices of the peace.

Doubts about how successful the training would be were raised when the political head of Glasgow education, Bailie Gordon Matheson, pictured, put his hand up to admit that he had forgotten to bring a pen.

Alcohol by volume
SOLICITOR Archie Maciver of licence specialists Brunton Miller told a licensing conference that the new laws in Scotland mean shops that sell alcohol have to provide a plan of how much of the shop's premises will be used to display booze.

Not a problem until Archie visited one client who had a conical display of wine, and Archie tried to remember ancient terms such as radius, pi and tangents as attempts were made to work out the area.

"Then we just gave up," said Archie. "It seems we've reached a stage where a business could be in jeopardy because their lawyers can't recall third-year maths."

New transparency
A Scottish Government minister was left red-faced yesterday after telling MSPs she used to go to school in a see-through vest. The gaffe prompted hilarity, with Presiding Officer Alex Fergusson jokingly calling for "appropriate" language.

Linda Fabiani was fielding a question on switching clocks more closely to match the rest of Europe during summer. Ms Fabiani claimed she used to wear a "transparent" vest on dark mornings as a child. Education Secretary Fiona Hyslop, sitting at her side, whispered: "It's translucent." (Could she mean fluorescent?) Ms Fabiani laughed and quickly called for the remark to be "struck from the record". But Mr Fergusson added: "I think it's more likely to be highlighted."

The minister clarified: "It was one of those shiny ones that shone in the dark."

Body blow
A middle-aged Glasgow chap who joined a gym in the New Year was admiring his body in the bedroom mirror.

Quietly chuffed, he went through to the living room, stood in front of his wife in the classic muscleman pose, with one arm curled up and the other held out in front of him.

"What does that remind you of?" he asked.

"A teapot," she replied.