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THE opening of the new Culloden battlefield visitor centre reminds Norrie Hunter of when his then boss, James Urquhart, chairman of British Rail Engineering, once stood with his two children overlooking the battlefield and the mass graves, proudly telling them of their Scottish ancestors' input to the affray and how they were buried there after the fateful battle.
A guide overhearing him, piped up: "Yes, that's right, sir, but unfortunately the Urquharts fought on the other side, with the English."
The Mexico way
A READER back from a cruise in America tells us that when they went ashore in Mexico they were handed a postcard of the liner which they could show to any taxi driver to take them back to the dock if their Spanish wasn't up to it and the driver didn't speak English.
So he duly flashed the card at a taxi driver, but it didn't quite work. He drove them to the post office.
Crunch time
HUNGRY students continued. A mother heard her student son home for Easter ask how old the box of cereal was in the cupboard. When she replied that she wasn't sure, he took out a handful, threw it at the family dog, and when the pooch chewed the cereal with a suitably loud crunch, he declared they were fine,
and filled a bowl to eat.
Black widow
A GLAMOROUS thirtysomething woman trying on a black suit in a Glasgow store the other week was approached by a fellow shopper, as happens in Glasgow, and was told that she looked fabulous in the outfit.
"Is it for a special occasion?" the chatty woman asked.
"Yes," the woman in the suit replied. "My husband's funeral."
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry," the inquisitive one asked. "When is it?"
"I don't know," said the woman in the suit. "I haven't killed him yet."
Fare-do's
HOUSE of Commons Speaker Michael Martin, who was investigated over £4000 worth of taxi fares which his wife claimed from the public purse, has always had a thing about taxis,
it seems.
A visitor to the gleaming new Glasgow Taxi offices in Boden Street, Dalmarnock, tells us the entrance foyer has a brass plaque and photograph commemorating its official opening - by The Right Honourable Michael Martin MP.
Nursing a grievance
FALLING educational standards continued. A Falkirk reader, who had been off sick, wanted to thank his wife for looking after him at home, so phoned to have some flowers delivered. He asked for the card to read "To My Florence Nightingale. Love Frank."
The flowers arrived with a card which stated "To My Florence Knight and Gale. Love Frank."
Box clever
FRENCH street theatre company Cacahuete, appearing at Big in Falkirk on May 3 and 4, asked for a prop coffin to be provided, robust enough to be used as a weapon in choreographed fights, light enough to be carried by only two people, waterproof so as to withstand Callendar Park's loch, of a size to fit into a swan-shaped pedalo, and it had to float.
"Where are we going to find," pleaded a Big in Falkirk organiser, "a reinforced, light, river-worthy coffin to fit snuggly into a swan-shaped craft?"
And do you know what? The BBC's props department came up with one.
Knew the licence fee was good for something.
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