Features
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A CHAP in Mosspark tells us that he was trying to convince his ageing mother that a £900 hearing aid from a private company would be far better for her than the less helpful piece of equipment she had from the NHS, but she was having none of it. "I've never heard a conversation yet," she told him, "that was worth £900."
Bar humbug
BAR staff, continued. Fred Gibbons tells us about a mate coming back to the table shaking his head after he had gone up to the barmaid, handed over a fiver and asked her if she could change it for him.
His mate explained: "She went into the till and brought out a newer fiver, gave it to me, and put mine in the till."
On the fiddle
SOLICITOR Roddy Boag's colourful defence of a fire-eating breakdancer accused of not paying his television licence, reminds a fellow lawyer of Roddy once defending a client accused of being involved in a pub fracas.
He tells us: "His line of argument, that the defendant was present solely to provide musical entertainment in the form of playing the violin, was being poorly received, mainly because his client had only one arm.
"At this vital point, there was an interruption in proceedings, when a replacement clerk to the court entered, glanced at the one-armed worthy in the dock, and asked, Have you not brought your violin the day?' thus saving Roddy's defence."
Sad to say
A MUM tells us that on Mother's Day she went into the bedroom of her normally mischievous six-year-old, and as she gazed lovingly at him he woke up.
"Have you anything to say to me this morning?" she asked hopefully.
Clearly not knowing what she was on about, he answered: "I'm sorry, mummy."
Growth industry
OUR Washington correspondent phones to tell us excitedly that President George W Bush had finally woken up to the problems for the planet created by greenhouse gases. "He plans to ban all greenhouses," he tells us.
Who's who?
AND a Tory at Westminster gets in touch to ask if we knew the difference between the President of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, and our own Gordon Brown.
He explains: "One is an unelected dictator who terrorises staff, appoints useless sychophants to important posts, messes up elections and burdens the poor with rising prices, banks crashing and higher taxes.
"The other is an old African."
Fields of dreams
SID Ambrose, organiser of
the Wickerman Festival, Scotland's mini answer to Glastonbury, which this year features Gary Numan has produced his guide for festival goers which includes:
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