A CHAP appearing at Dumbarton Sheriff Court for failing to pay a fine for not having a television licence seemed a mundane affair until solicitor Roddy Boag told the sheriff that his client was a "fire-breathing, break-dancing, tightrope-walking juggler".

He said that Reliance, although not witnessing the fire-breathing, tightrope-walking or juggling, had seen him breakdancing in his cell, so the information about his profession appeared reliable.

Warming to his task, solicitor Roddy argued that he couldn't understand why his client would even need a television, as he could just watch himself in the mirror.

The sheriff managed to keep his face straight enough to agree on time to pay.

  • "Did you see the zombie film, Outpost, was filmed in Govan?" said the chap in the pub the other night.

"No problem getting extras, then," replied his mate.

Smooth talk
READER Kate Woods, recently of Colorado, tells us: "I knew I was back in Scotland after many years in the land of have a nice day' when I went into the chemist and asked for a tube of moisturiser.

"The young assistant looked me in the face and said, You'll be wanting the anti-wrinkle one'."

Slam dunk
HARLEM Globetrotter Eugene "Wildkat" Edgerson, promoting the Globetrotters' match at Braehead on May 15, was asked by a BBC reporter who he thought would win the Old Firm game.

Wildcat replied: "Well, our uniform is red, white and blue, but I always shoot for the hoops, so I reckon it'll be a draw.

"I can honestly say, though, that I'm a proud fan of St Mirren."

"That's from the Chick Young School of Diplomacy," muttered one onlooker - Chick, of course, being the legendary BBC man who swears allegiance to St Mirren, despite an encyclopaedic knowledge of Rangers.

Celtic pride
FINALLY, after weeks of bitterly blaming Gordon Strachan, the Celtic fans have got their sense of humour back. As Rangers' striker Jean-Claude Darcheville skied the ball over the bar, the Celtic fans chanted: "You're just a fat Eddie Murphy."

Not fair
KIRKCALDY'S Links Market, apparently Europe's longest street fair, has opened. One Fifer reminisced on a website: "I remember hooking ducks as a five-year-old. Later on, I progressed to knocking fitba' players' heids off with coconuts.

"I even managed to win a prize at the darts. Alas, by the time I was old enough to go without my folks, the striptease show had gone."

Close inspection
ANNOUNCED over the public address system on a train to Edinburgh Waverley: "Please retain your tickets because ticket barriers are in operation. You will probably have your ticket checked several other times in the station, too." Then a large sigh. "This is the world that we live in."

Flush with success
WE note from an Edinburgh evening newspaper that the toilets at Tollcross Primary are to be refurbished after parents complained about the state and smell of the premises.

It then quotes local Tory councillor Gordon Buchan: "I'm delighted that my motion has helped spur the council into action."

Quite.

Bogey shot
THE golfer at the 19th hole admitted to his pals that he shouldn't have said it.

But when his wife told him that all his weekend golf-course visits were driving her mad, he replied: "More of a short putt than a drive."