FORMER Rangers star Davie Wilson missed the Rangers v Sporting Lisbon game as he had agreed to speak that night at Epilepsy Scotland's wags charity dinner where he spotted players' union official Tony Higgins, pictured, in the audience.

"Tony's the kind of guy," joshed Davie, "who, if you lent him £5000, and then you didn't see him for five years, you would think, Well, that was money well spent'."

Infectious laughter
WINNER of Epilepsy Scotland's wags trophy for being the funniest speaker was retired policeman Bert Thomson, whose career in uniform began with the army. He recalled when he was sent to Aden.

En route, says Bert, they were warned that half the local women had VD and the other half had TB.

"So we looked for women with a cough," he added.

Most Svelte Posterior
AN MSP tells us that he had gone on a diet and fitness regime after piling on the pounds with all the dinners and lunches he was invited to because of his position at the Scottish Parliament.

He was very proud of his new slim shape, he said, and was heartened that constituents had also noticed his body was in better condition.

"Only the other day," he said smugly, "I was passing a couple of women and I could hear one of them say behind me, That's our MSP. What an arse'."

Down to earth
JUST a final mention of cabin crew as John Macdonald recalls flying to Glasgow from France on a budget airline, and the young flight attendant announcing: "Welcome to Glasgow. We hope you enjoyed your flight as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride today."

Illicit substance
"DO you know the soft drink that terrorists were trying to smuggle on the Heathrow planes?" asks an excited caller.

"Sunni D," he revealed.

Hyslop endangered?
SCOTTISH Education Secretary Fiona Hyslop, as a keen separatist, should be careful as she flies to China to strengthen economic ties, says our China watcher.

An Amnesty International report highlights the 68 crimes subject to the death penalty there, including tax fraud, killing a giant panda and, em, "undermining national unity".

Simon Le Bomb
ACTOR Tony Roper's recollections of being ridiculed for his trendy all-white ensemble struck a chord with reader Jim Davis who tells us: "I remember walking down Sauchiehall Street in the mid-1980s dressed in what I thought was the ultimate in cool; white shoes, white jeans, white T-shirt and white jacket. I thought I looked like a member of Duran Duran.

"My perceived style quickly evaporated when I met an elderly neighbour who asked if I'd got a job as a painter.

"Needless to say, it was the last time I wore that ensemble."

Yul love this
AND entertainer Andy Cameron tells us that after a few Perry Como haircuts at 1s 3d a time at Ionta's in the Gallowgate, he invested a week's wage of £1 17s 6d on a Tony Curtis at Fusco's in Cambridge Street. But this left him penniless to take his girlfriend to the pictures, so they went for a walk and got caught in a downpour.

"The saddest part of the tale," says Andy, "occurred the next morning when Tony Curtis' got up and discovered that he'd turned into Oor Wullie'."

Oh, and Andy recalls the guy who asked Johnny Ionta for a Tony Curtis and Johnny promptly shaved his head.

"That's no' a Tony Curtis!" cried the distraught lad.

"Aye, it is son," said Johnny. "Ah saw him in The King and I."

Vein attempt
A CHAP in the pub the other night was denying his pals' claims that he was tightfisted, and pointed out to them that only the other day he had taken his girlfriend's parents out for tea and biscuits.

"Mind you," he added, "they were a bit surprised they had to give blood first."