IAN Black, the author and playwright, has a new book out for Christmas, titled, immodestly enough, The Almost Completely Ultimate Weegie Jokebook. It has a chapter on Glasgow self-help books which include:

  • One for the Christians in Possil: God Loves You and Will Protect You, But Carry a Big Stick with a Nail In It Anyway
  • The Joy of Six-Packs.
  • Lowering Your Sexual Self-Esteem.
  • Confidence, Self-Esteem and Assertiveness: They Are Completely Beyond You.
  • Family Relationships: Dream On.
  • Minimising Your Potential.
  • Sexual Relationships and Why You Will Never Have One.
  • Women's Issues: Who Cares?
  • Depression: How to Achieve It.


Over the week The Diary will run a competition for other book titles (which Black will no doubt blag for his next volume). The winner will receive a signed copy of Black's book, although be warned that this could devalue it.


  • Les Hoggan tells us he heard Brian Sweeney of Strathclyde Fire and Rescue talking on Good Morning Scotland about the role of firefighters on bonfire night. "He said they weren't there to pour cold water on the event," Les assures us.


Ill-fresco
WE'VE all heard of hospital overcrowding but passers-by had to do a double check when seeing what looked like a dying man in a bed seemingly dumped next to a bus stop in Sauchiehall Street, Glasgow. With a huge banner advert behind him promoting Saw IV - the latest horror sequel in the bloodthirsty mutilation movie series - overlooking the stricken patient it looked for all the world like a sick promotional stunt. Truth was that the ad was emblazoned on a passing bus which had coincidentally stopped to take on passengers.

The patient was 29-year-old actor Kenny Thom, who may have seen a still-alive patient as a step up from his previous assignment as a corpse in the Rebus TV series. He was actually there as part of the Scottish Government's new hard-hitting interactive campaign to get at-risk patients to get the flu jab - the idea being that you could end up as seriously ill as Kenny's character if you do not get the inoculation. Saw now you know.


Like a Player
IN addition to being a multi-million-selling recording artiste and inspirational style icon to millions of women, Madonna has, it seems, another string to her bow if this news agency report is to be believed. I quote: "George Best was not the greatest footballer and was not even in the top 100 of all time, according to a controversial new statistical analysis of every single fact and figure from the game over the past 100 years.

"It is meant to be the list of lists to end all pub arguments, using a points-based system to prove Pele was better than Madonna and Zidane ranks more highly than Platini among the best."


Grey-sky thinking
THE Saga continues. Dougie Millar, himself of Saga age, thinks that a number of people in the Glasgow area joined when they heard that it stood for Sex and Games for the Aged. George Smith says it is simply an acronym for Send A Granny Away, no more, no less. David Purdie says that when he and his wife were contemplating their first Saga holiday their son-in-law explained it stood for Silly Auld Gits Abroad. On similar lines Jim Hair always thought Saga Holidays was short for Sending Ageing Geriatrics Abroad, although Jim does lose marks for tautology.


Hill Street snooze?
A READER has been thanking the good folk of Lochee - via the pages of the Dundee Evening "Tele" - who came to her aid after she "tripped over a sleeping policeman opposite Oxfam, especially the gentleman who helped my husband get me back on my good leg and across to my car". And just in case anyone is worried, The Diary can report that plod was uninjured, although he is facing disciplinary action for kipping on the job.