SINGER Sydney Devine tells us he is out walking every day now in the hope of making his Glasgow Pavilion shows later this month despite recent major heart surgery. Although Sydney is a bit of a Tory supporter, one of the first to contact him after surgery was former Socialist MSP Tommy Sheridan, who texted that he and many fans were hoping Sydney would be entertaining them for many years to come and not joining "Heaven's Palladium" just yet.

Sydney is, of course, laughing at remarks such as the guy in the pub who declared: "When Elvis pegged it, radio and TV stations played his records 24/7. Same when Sinatra died.

Tell Sydney Devine to get well soon."

Empire strikes back
A READER watching the state visit of Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah on the telly hears the military band as he is driven down Horseguards Parade break into the Imperial March from Star Wars - you know the one; it goes Da da de da as Darth Vadar, pictured above, walks on screen.

They are surely not suggesting that King Abdullah has anything in common with a strangely costumed megalomaniac tyrant who ruled through fear while scorning democracy?

What a state
A POLISH girl working in Glasgow tells us: "People always say to me that it must have been terrible in the communist days, with all the queueing we had to do. So I tell them, Have you been in a Post Office recently?'"

  • Names to ponder . . . student of the year at Lochaber College in Fort William is - Isla Mann.

Help is on hand
GREENOCK Morton fan Jim Watson was searching for the Morton fans' unofficial website, which carries the best gossip and innuendo about the club. So he typed in "Morton unofficial" into the Google search engine. The first website that came up was for the Samaritans.

"Surely things are not that bad down Cappielow way?" wonders Jim.

Show goes on
TV presenter Lorraine Kelly, hosting the Lloyds TSB-sponsored Bafta Scotland Awards later this month, had a close call last year when she flew up to Glasgow to host the Scottish Retail Awards. She had her dress over her arm, but everything else was in her luggage checked on board, which did not arrive - and the plane was late.

So when she arrived at the Hilton at 7.05pm for the 7.15pm event her first words to the organiser was: "What size of shoes are yours?"

As Lorraine didn't fancy presenting the awards in her trainers, she thankfully discovered the organiser wore size sixes like her, and promptly borrowed them.

"But my big pants which keep your tummy in were in my luggage so I had to make do without them," she tells us.

  • Billy Wylie from Lenzie tells us: "My mate was up north last weekend, and phoned me from the pub to say, There is a guy here selling eight legs of venison for £100 - do you think it's too dear?'"

Red-faced Richard
DIMINUTIVE Glasgow council leader Steven Purcell was dining with colleagues in art deco restaurant Rogano when he was joined by ex-Rangers captain Richard Gough, below, for a drink. Gough, a bit of a matinee idol in his day, noticed a group of stunning young ladies at another table staring over, so he waved them over, and told the chaps at the table to watch how it was done.

Sadly for Richard the ladies arrived and uttered: "You're Steven Purcell, aren't you?"

It turned out they work for the European Parliament and had no idea who the, by now red-faced, Richard Gough was.

Paper money
FIRMs are trying to show their green credentials by not wasting paper, so Charlie Shanlin in Peebles was less than impressed when his Bank of Scotland statement came with a 32-page booklet, but with the following note thoughtfully printed at the foot of the sheet: "We are making some changes to some of our bank accounts. However, the changes are not applicable to your account - please disregard the booklet enclosed with this statement."

And he thinks: "Here's an idea. Why not just leave out the booklet?"