Reality dawns
Children at Dumbarton Riverside Church's Junior Sunday School busily cut coloured tissue paper last week to make gaudy paper coats. As they worked away, their Sunday school teacher asked if anyone knew who Joseph was. There was a stunned silence and then one child gently explained: "Mrs Auld, no-one knows who Joseph is - the final has not been on yet."



High-flyer Excuse of the week for non-attendance came from former Tory MSP Brian Monteith, above, who called off at the last minute from addressing the Association of Scottish Public Affairs. His replacement, Michael Fry, said Brian had flown to Africa to advise on the privatisation of Botswana's national airline.

It may not be that onerous a task as Michael later revealed that it owned a total of three aeroplanes.



Playing it safe
A young mum from the south side's douce Newton Mearns was delighted to be invited to a pal's hen night, but was just a bit worried as it was being held in one of the city centre's more raucous emporiums of drink and dancing.

"Will we need to take protection?" she asked the bride-to-be, thinking that professional minders might be required in such a brash venue.

So it was embarrassed faces all round when the worried party organiser replied: "What condoms? Surely not!"



  • Nicknames continued. A reader tells us about a former chief executive of North Ayrshire Council who was known as the Pawnbroker - his standard answer was "leave it with me".



Duff note
It's hard enough working out who all the new MSPs are without gremlins at the Scottish Parliament's website mucking things up. Until yesterday, the website listed the MSP for Dunfermline West as Dobie Gilmour, which was a bit of a surprise for the actual MSP, LibDem Jim Tolson.

The only Dobie Gilmour we could find on Google was an Ayr guitar teacher. That's Ayr as in the town, of course, not someone who teaches you to play an imaginary instrument.



Beaten to it
A reader is threatening London Olympics organisers with breach of copyright. He claims his three-year-old son brought their logo, right, home from his nursery painting class weeks ago. And another writes: "For goodness sake, what is Lisa Simpson doing in that London Olympics logo?"



Miracle
It's not only computer spellcheckers that cause problems, but also predictive text on your mobile phone. Joan Johnston of Wishaw was driving to Newcastle last week when she stopped at Gretna services and bumped into her cousin Jessie whom she had not seen for some time.

So she texted her sister: "Arrived safely. Stopped at Gretna. Met Jessie."

But her predictive text, which she forgot to check, claimed she had, in fact, "Met Jesus" - a religious experience fairly rare at Gretna.



Election ditty Our mention of KT Tunstall's Suddenly I See being in the running to become US presidential candidate Hillary Clinton's campaign song reminded a reader of Bruce Springsteen's E Street Band guitarist, and Sopranos actor, Steven Van Zandt, suggesting as campaign songs Liar, Liar by the Castaways, All Sold Out by the Stones, I'm a Loser by the Beatles and the Ramones' I Can't Give You Anything.

Born To Run by his band boss, Bruce, was not considered appropriate.



Getting the hint Our tales of bad dates lead to a reader claiming that in his younger days he noticed his flatmate returning from a date very early, and asked him what happened.

"Well," he replied, "after a bite to eat she invited me up to her flat. We had a couple of drinks and she put on some soft music. Then she reached over and switched off the lights."

"So, what next?" urged on our reader.

"I can take a hint," said his flatmate. "I came home."