CLUB and restaurant owner James Mortimer threw a party in his private members' club 29 for Glasgow businessmen Willie Haughey pictured at foot and Satty Singh in recognition of recent awards both had won.

Millionaire Willie knew nothing about the shindig, believing he was attending his niece's birthday party.

So when he walked in and found around 100 friends and family standing there with a drink in their hands to wish the winner of the St Mungo Prize all the best, he promptly replied: "I hope I'm not paying for this, am I?"

Introducing the evening was Rangers fan and entertainer Andy Cameron who, to bring on Celtic-supporting Willie's anguish, tapped the microphone, and instead of intoning the traditional, "One-two, one-two" to see if it was working, chanted instead: "Two-nil, two-nil."

Handy connection
OUR tale of Para Handy delivering the election ballot papers reminds Graham Reid of when scenes for the Para Handy television series starring the late Rikki Fulton, pictured, were being filmed on Islay, and an appeal went out for locals to appear as extras.

One chap, a bit worse for wear with the amber fluid, volunteered but was rejected.

"You must take me - I'm Para Handy's cousin," he declared in a final bid to be chosen.

"Really?" replied an extremely dubious casting director.

"Yes," said the old soak, "I'm Para Lytic."

Snake's alive
STORIES of animal infestation remind Simon Lord of British immigrants to Queensland, Australia, who were alarmed to find a large snake in their attic, and called out pest control.

The chap who arrived assured them it was merely a carpet python, harmless to humans, but they insisted on it being removed.

Six weeks later they had to call him out again as the phone wires in their attic had been gnawed through by rats.

"You know what you need up there?"

he cheerfully asked them.

"A carpet python."

Cup that jeers "WHAT'S the difference," a Labour councillor in Glasgow asks, "between council leader Steven Purcell and former Celtic boss Martin O'Neill?"

And he tells us: "At least Steven will get to lift the Uefa Cup."

On the body politic
WE pass on a political comment from the website of Neptune Divers, which is for the military and civilian divers at the Clyde submarine base at Faslane.

"The word politics'," explains one of the divers, "is derived from the word poly', meaning many', and the word ticks', meaning blood-sucking parasites'."

Worrying
WE hear from the south-side suburb of Patterton, where a concerned neighbour rushes up to company director, and former corporate banking boss at the Bank of Scotland, Brian Johnston to tell him that one of his labradors was running around in a nearby field where there were sheep.

"Do you know," replied Brian, shaking his head, "I told that farmer to keep his bloody sheep under control."

Delayed reaction
AN old soldier in a British Legion club in Glasgow turned to his mate and asked him: "Do you remember when they used to put bromide in the forces' tea, to take our minds off sex?"

When his pal nodded in confirmation, the old fellow added: "Well, I think it's beginning to work."