Bling leader

Time was when a provost was treated with respect in this country. But we must report that when North Lanarkshire Provost Patrick Connelly attended a comedy gig in Moth-erwell wearing his gold chain of office, comedian Craig Hill told him he looked like Puff Daddy, and how he half expected J-Lo to be on his arm.

Hill, appearing at the Glasgow Comedy Festival next month, squinted further at the chain and asked: "Is that real gold? It's got a bit of the Elizabeth Duke about it. I'm sure there's a touch of green on your neck."

Sheltered readers should perhaps be told that Elizabeth Duke is a popular brand of competitively-priced jewellery at Argos.

And, yes, Provost Pat took it all with a laugh.

Sweet on Shirley

News from Los Angeles, where business types were mixing with actors at one of the many Oscar parties, with one fashion firm executive unable to stop himself from saying to Shirley MacLaine, pictured, sitting at a table: "I think you're great."

"You have good taste," Shirley replied to the stranger, before showing her enthusiasm for the conversation by adding: "Can you get me some dessert?"

History lesson

Reader Jim Watson was in a Greenock supermarket when the customer in front, after being told his shopping came to £13.14, remarked: "Thirteen fourteen? That's the Battle of Bannockburn."

"I couldn't say," replied the check-out assistant. "I was too young for that."

Good clean fun

A Dumbarton minister's wife noticed on the novelty website, I Want One of Those, a series of jokey soaps, including Hope on a Rope, which was soap carved in the image of Jesus which she bought for her husband as a laugh. Unfortunately, her attention wandered and she ended up clicking on the next box by mistake, which is why hubby was puzzled to receive a giant soap hand, which went under the name of Grope on a Rope.

Asterisk, the gall

The Herald is receiving much praise from readers for adding forums on its website where topical issues can be discussed. Obviously, some words have to be excluded for fear of offence. However, reader Neil Robertson wondered if perhaps the site was being overly strict when he typed a comment on Edinburgh folk singer Dick Gaughan and it appeared on the comment page as "**** Gaughan".

Melting moment

A Grandfather dispatched with his grandson to buy "four 99s" from the ice-cream van - a cone, of course, with a diminutive chocolate flake rammed in it - could not remember when he got to the head of the queue what they were called, only that the name had a number in it.

Appealing to his grandson for help, he heard the youngster tell him they were called "fivers", which is why granddad asked the salesman for "four fivers".

He was still blushing when he returned to the house after the ice-cream guy told him: "No, the deal is, you give me a fiver and I give you ice-cream. That's how it works around here."

Taking a silly walk

A reader who applied for a job in a Middle East country was told by the company that the position had to be approved by the country's Ministry of Higher Education. The firm's HR department had not heard from the ministry after a few weeks so sent a messenger to ask how things were progressing.

The messenger returned to say that the ministry had moved from the address given, and no-one knew to where it had moved.

We suspect that's a trick a few of our civil servants would like to pull off.

Basic hygiene

We mentioned the chap in the Motherwell pub complaining about folk not washing their hands after a toilet trip. Now we repeat the classic tale of the disgusted American visitor who shouted out in a Glasgow pub: "Doesn't anyone teach you guys to wash your hands in this country?"

"Naw," shouted back one punter. "They teach us no' to pee on our fingers."

Sound reasoning

Oh, dear. Do we really believe the reader who tells us he was playing Trivial Pursuit with friends and when one of them landed on Science & Nature she was asked: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a minute before asking: "Is it on or off?"