MSP Tommy Sheridan received a phone call from a student at Dundee University last week who wanted to talk to him about the contest to become the university's next rector.

As Tommy began to preen himself, the student continued: "So, we were wondering whether your wife, Gail, would be interested in standing."

We would, of course, like to write that Tommy went pale at that moment, but considering his tan, we'd be lying.

Incidentally, one picket line Tommy will be joining this week will be that of BA staff if their strike goes ahead. As Gail works for BA, she has ordered Tommy to be there, no excuses allowed.

Rescuer rescued
WE are still trying to check reports that Brian Sweeney, pictured, chief officer of Strathclyde Fire and Rescue, was showing a party around the technical rescue centre at his Hamilton headquarters when he found himself and the group accidentally stuck on a balcony as the door had locked behind them. Luckily, his mobile phone worked so he was able to summon his driver to rescue them rather than sending up a turntable ladder.

How offal
OUR story about Aberdeen council asking someone to send them a parsnip - we feared the computer spellchecker had misread payslip - reminds the Rev Kenny Macaulay of a member of his congregation typing out the story of The Passion of Christ. He was later astonished to read that Jesus was betrayed by Judas for 30 pieces of liver.

And without the Diary getting too gushy, we should add that the Rev later married the typist, so no real harm done.

Saur point
EARLY reports on BBC Scotland the other day told us that the two-millionth visitor to Kelvingrove Art Gallery only crossed the threshold because her three-year-old daughter "wanted to see the dinosaur". They then showed the girl meeting Lord Provost Liz Cameron. Mercifully, later news bulletins quietly dropped the dinosaur reference.

Fighting talk
VOTERS who like pictures more than words are to be steered towards candidates of their choice in this year's elections with the use of logos on the ballot form: a rose for the Labour Party, the funny yellow spacehopper type thing for the SNP, and so on. But what of independent candidates, asked Margo MacDonald during a debate on the subject at Holyrood? And what would be an appropriate logo for Margo? A battleaxe, she suggested.

Call girl
GOODNESS, just what is happening in Glasgow's douce west end? A correspondent tells the west end website: "My neighbour rang the mobile number that was displayed on the side of a truck that was parked with a man and a lady of the night in it.

"She left a message on his phone (she even heard it ringing from her kitchen) asking him to stop picking up prostitutes and bringing them back to her back court.

"Apparently, the van pulled out in a bit of a hurry and nearly crashed into the residents' bins.

"Far more entertaining than those signs that say, If I'm not driving properly, then ring this number'."

Howzat!
A DRIVER weaving erratically down the road was asked by the police officer who pulled him over to breathe into a breathalyser, but he declined and produced a letter from his doctor which stated: "This man suffers from terrible asthma. Please don't make him perform any action that'll leave him short of breath."

So the officer asked for a blood sample, but then a second letter was produced which said: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way."

Exasperated the officer said he would need a urine sample, but at that a third letter was flourished in which was written: "This man plays cricket for England. Please don't take the piss out of him."