THE Rev Ainslie McIntyre leafs through an East Dunbartonshire Council booklet on "Standing Up To Anti-Social Behaviour" which offers "a Medication Service for neighbour disputes at an early stage".

He assumes they actually mean "mediation service" - unless, of course, the council really has taken the step of offering to pump diazepam into your neighbours to quieten them down . . . perhaps not a bad idea after all.

Yeah, yeah, yeah
READER Norman Ferguson applauds attempts to exploit Beatle John Lennon's links with Durness in the north of Scotland to boost tourism.

"His fondness for Scotland was well documented," says Norman. "You just have to look at the working titles he had for some of his songs:

  • She Loves Poolewe.
  • Eight days a Wick.
  • Kingussie in the sky with diamonds.
  • And Work Kinglass Hero."

Bullet point
AUDIENCE participation stories, continued. Mark Johnston recalls a tediously long play at the Royal Court Theatre in London where the leading actress was torn between staying with her husband or leaving with her lover.

After many monologues about her position had bored the audience, the wife decides to leave and tells her husband, who, in distress, leaves the stage before seconds later a single gunshot is heard off-stage.

Any dramatic tension was perhaps subverted by the single voice from the audience calling out: "Lucky beggar!"

Chilling thought
THE latest Burns supper news comes from The Anderson restaurant in Fortrose, near Inverness, where regulars were treated to a contest to choose the best haggis, with versions from local butchers, the esteemed Cockburns of Dingwall and even a tinned variety from Tesco. And in between tastings was an ice-cream whipped up as a palate-cleanser. Yet only one guest worked out the flavour of the ice-cream - neeps and tatties.

No, we don't think it will catch on either.

A couple of corkers
WE should close our painful memories on the Best Bad Wines at Seventies Student Parties with the recollection of Stuart Swanston: "Vintners Cockburn & Campbell of Edinburgh did their bit in the seventies by stocking some of the first Australian wines to be sold in the city. Perhaps because few drinkers would then take any Australian wines seriously, the wines included an excellent Hunter Valley Pinot Noir labelled 'Kanga Rouge' and the unoaked Chardonnay, 'Bondi Bleach'."

Tongues-tied WORRYING signs of a modern education. A reader phoned a west of Scotland university, as they are now called, to ask about an advertised position to teach French and German.

The assistant at the other end of the phone declared there was no vacancy to teach French and German, only one for modern languages.

So, they would be . . ?

High ideals
BUSINESSMAN Ian Scott was flying to Glasgow from Exeter the other day when the plane hit some fierce turbulence which led to one or two passengers grabbing for their sickbags.

When they landed, one young couple looked around disgustedly at the ill passengers before the chap said to his partner: "Of course this won't happen on our return flight - we're flying from Edinburgh."

Academic argument
AND so some people pass into folklore. A meeting to discuss the unpopular decision by the council to site the new Bishopbriggs Academy on a less accessible site than the current Bishopbriggs High heard one complainer argue: "The only way the new school could be less popular would be if you made Jade Goody the new janitor."

A dog's life
LES Hunter of Scottish Staffordshire Bull Terrier Rescue points out that the breed, pictured, which we mentioned yesterday, has had a bad press, and is a lot friendlier with children than its popularity with certain of the ned tendency would have you believe.

Les recalls stopping to pat a Staffy which was being led by a Burberry-capped chap in Lanarkshire.

"What's its name?" asked Les as he made friends with the dog.

"Dunno," said the chap on the other end of the lead before adding: "It's too well bred to speak to the likes of me."