British Energy yesterday launched its "Business Bird Challenge 2008", which certainly set the mind boggling. Turns out this is a competition to find the country's best industrial and commercial sites for our feathered friends.

The Rt Hon John Gummer flew to Sizewell B nuclear power station to promote the event, apparently resisting the temptation to force feed beefburgers to anybody.

(Whatever happened to the "Selwyn" by the way? This is surely one of the great imponderables of post-war politics.) It would surely be in the spirit of things for British Energy to award the gong to a bird with three wings. Or one that glows in the dark.

Guardian makes us a offer we can't refuse Newspaper groups must work hard to maintain the circulation of their titles in this age of 24-hour news.

Hats off to The Guardian, then, for the irresistible offer in Tuesday's paper - "Free Today! Poster-size blueprint of Arnos Grove Tube Station."

Next week - a sepia print of the gents' lav at Piccadilly Circus.

Time could be right to try tactical manoeuvre
If you blew up the East Stand at Twickenham on matchday, Stephen Spender wrote, you would destroy British fascism at a stroke. With countless hoorays over in Paris for tonight's World Cup final, we reckon Gordon Brown should seal the UK's borders and call an election after all.

Apologies English rugger fans; that was rather sour.

Altogether now: "Swing Low, Sweeeet zzzz".

Valeting skills may see Treasurer elevated
Australian Prime Minister John Howard's election campaign certainly needs a lift, but Treasurer Peter Costello, his deputy, might not agree.

It was more like Abbot and Costello on Thursday when Costello got stuck in an elevator for 45 minutes with five stockbrokers. A grim predicament indeed.

Costello proved his leadership qualities by pushing up the lift's ceiling to let in more air, as nerves frayed and the temperature rose. "He was a good man to have around in a crisis," said one fellow captive. "He took everyone's jackets and hung them up on the rail."

If Howard et al get turfed out, Costello will not struggle to find work as a cloakroom attendant.

Stirring up trouble for the homely food giant Heinz is in the soup after farmers' market representatives urged a boycott of one of the company's brands.

The National Farmers' Retail & Markets Association is calling on shoppers not to buy the Heinz "Farmers' Market" range of soups. It accuses the firm of "misusing" the term farmers' market, saying the soups are not made with locally sourced ingredients and do not support local producers.

Mmm. Grey area this. We can exclusively reveal that Sara Lee doesn't bake cakes, Betty Crocker is a stranger to blueberry muffins and - as far as we know - Grandma Batty never clapped eyes on a frozen Yorkshire pud.

M'learned friends will be rubbing their hands.

Not the Names' we're used to, surely Anagram corner.
Sir Tom Hunter - Thirst! One rum.

Martin Gilbert - Brittle margin (surely not!).

Brian Souter - Urban sortie (by bus, presumably).

Sir Tom Farmer: Smart firm - ore!

Rupert Soames - Purse maestro.

Sandy Crombie - Dynamic, sober (quite).

One could go on, but frankly the nights are fair drawing in and you'll be wanting to make tracks. As indeed will I.